Drove my chevy to the levee
Disclosure This piece was originally written 15 years ago. I no longer have any shit to say about George Lucas and what he does with his movies, tinkering with them. Things have been edited here. Some commas got sent to the wood shed. I do commas like a five year old does rose petals at a wedding. I also snipped out a piece or two, where i knew what i was saying but I said it with too many words. Sometimes I was trying to be clever, other times I just should have come back and edited again. PS
I hear Hunter S Thomson offed himself....
My first Hunter S Thompson book was Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Gerard had just died, and to get away, I took a trip with a family that Gerard and I were close too. The Smiths were part of a americanized (and international) Yoga movement known as Siddha Yoga, which has a decent foothold here in the states, a large presence in New York and California, and some satellite offices in other states where a lot of members live.
I don’t want to be a part of some Google search and be seen saying flippant things about Siddha itself, because as an organization that I was a fringe member of for two years, it seemed pretty nice, just Americanized a bit, and in that I mean, that enlightenment (courses building towards it) had an optional fiscal cost. Organizations must survive, and survival will come from the largesse of its members. Besides, I don’t know a better group of harmonious people, and they have incredibly reasonable rates for the common pilgrim seeking spiritual and physical refugee.
Laurie and myself were both very close to Gerard, she invited me with her family to travel to New York to the Siddha Ashram (an annual family retreat), a huge facility nestled in the woods. And when I say huge, I mean this facility had auditoriums, various levels of housing, support buildings, retreat sites, it is amazingly huge. And for a philo-ligous place, it is one of those places where you register like you’re in a resort, choosing lodging and how you want to stay. The lowest tier of living participation involves working on the site while you stay; the next stage up is to do a dorm scenario. In all the living arrangement tiers which went from part time working, to getting your own Chalet, basic food is free as is basic services for meditation. It was interesting and amazing, I should do it again sometime, it was a very positive experience.
I took a few books with me, Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas was one of them, I read it at night, with a book light, the same way I’d been reading since I was a kid, pre e-reader. I bunked with four people, including a hunky, (blonde all over) guy who was not shy about his nudity or his dangle. Oh to be thin and good looking. So it was a bit peculiar, and my initial comfort was to escape into myself those first few days. I mean, this is a story about my trip to the Catskill Mountains to stay at a Yoga Ashram while I mourned the loss of my friend and read one very fucked up book. And for that week I skeptically spent my daylight among the happiest and most positive people I’ve ever met, this is not exaggeration, and I allowed myself to participate in their practices and explanation of their philo-ligion, and when time was my own, more often at night then during the day, I would read Fear and Loathing. And I never laughed so much in my life, that strange book about drugs and writing, came to be such a comfort.
I basked in upbeat people during the day, stared at the most brilliant clouds, and felt a greater disconnect with the Chrisitan (manmade) God I’d grown use to not understanding, but at night I laughed. HST will be most remembered for Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (thankfully not his ESPN series, or say The Curse of Lono), And Vegas is a interesting book, not just cause it’s about drugs and a sharp interpretation of how your psyche changes on drugs (if you’ve seen the movie on TBS and were turned off read the book fool) Vegas ends up being a book about being way outside the outskirts of behavior acceptable to society, it also doesn’t let up, it stays raw and ridiculously intense. It is sometimes hard to imagine that he wrote anything after that, but he did, a strange bibliography which forked on politics and counter culture. I mean this is the guy who honestly meant it when he said "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
I can’t say that it was Hunter S Thomson who saved me from suicide or a depressing life, turning me around and making me a better citizen, but that book, that page turning solace where I didn’t feel guilty to enjoy something was a huge help. In addition to that sojourn to one of the most peaceful places I’d ever had the opportunity to travel to. Hunter did turn me on for a long time to some great reading, and a awesome sense of individualism. If you’ve never read his books, his body of work is worth the read. Wikipedia is a great place to begin referencing his work and life. click here. And of course when I was told about his death (I’ve been offline for over a week) my comment was not glib or from sadness. What a full life Hunter S Thomson led, and if anyone had the right to choose to end their life, surely it was that man.
We are savage to those who show brilliance and dare to still walk the earth as mortals…
Good for Hunter. Where was he in the end? I don’t know, so hard to be a writer, persona and have to constantly live up to what you have created, being larger then life is a bitch. But if you vaguely know Hunter S Thomson, through his work and writing, you know if he wanted to check out, it was his call. So we should celebrate his passing, whether he chose it for good reasons or not. Some people whined cause She Who Moved On cracked about HST blowing his brains out like hemingway, which was a bit of a generalization. They both blew there brains out and were writers, similarities stop there though I think, but does anyone genuinely think HST would be bothered by some other writer saying some shit like that, probably not.
If you are interested in Siddha Yoga, you can check learn more from there website. click here. A very interesting culture to observe and participate in, and while I can not say that I was a true follower for the two years that I skirted and observed this group of people, I can honestly say I learned about positive healing through associating with positive people. So strange to be so isolated and in pain, and surrounded by such spiritually centered people, not that fake California friendly vibe, just people channeling good energy, it helped me, as opposed to say converting me, and did not require me to believe, did not make me uncomfortable. . And, if you ever think about killing yourself, first consider an intervention of family and friends. And if you are considering suicide, you probably aren’t too in tune with the thought of calling everyone up and asking for help, likewise you might not be in the mood for people to suggest you just check into a local mental health institute, but they do have some good drugs and will flush your system good. But, if you’re online, suicidal and (or just) bored here is one link with some good advice click here.
And here is a google search query to get you started as well. click here.
Cutting room floor…
And this is kinda funny, but did you know that there is a group called The American Association of Sucidology. Interesting huh. This is one of their site pics, captures the feeling of being suicidal to a T, minus the fact it's a group of kids, and they all look cute and cool. dumb bastards. It's really has a "Night of the Liviing Cute Kids" kinda vibe, probably terrifies parents though.
Interesting comments from that time
Kurt Loder kept it real, criticism and respect in one piece, fab.“The melancholy fact is that Hunter pretty much peaked in the early '70s.” link is here: http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1497300/20050222/index.jhtml?headlines=true
And as far as what She Who Moved On said, she had another agenda, one which references her opinion of suicide being bad (And HSTs death being a bit dull, whatever that meant) which she went on further to do with her little LJ buddies, and finally, she was still wrong (we get the Hemingway reference) just the deaths weren’t the same. The truth is that for many (most of my friends who also happen to loathe She Who Moved On BTW) Hunter was a worshipped icon, a man admired of his work (do you follow folks). But She Who Moved On knew this as well, she has a different audience though, and a different network of friends, so what she said was quite rude for many of us, who took time to be sad at the results of Hunter taking his own life.
I celebrate the dead, I mourn only the living dead. So I didn’t really care what she said, I don’t begrudge her her opinion, nor do I think much of it, it was a simple observation I thought. It’s interesting also, so many people think that suicide is either a.) horrible, b.) not the right of someone to choose, when they want to end their own life. And usually they disregard the fact that if it’s so freaking god awful that you take a gun and put it to your head, if you smoke yourself folks, you gotta be in some godawful pain, the whole selfish thing is true, but kinda trite compared to laying a blank canvas down and painting your passing with it.
If you wanna kill yourself go on, you will be missed, your pain will be ended, but your wake is wide and disruptive, maybe like that negative energy that resided in yourself exploding, becoming shrapnel, and being finally released upon those people you held dear and/or stopped caring for.
I could care less of what her opinion of his death was (his death is irrelevant actually), if you love Hunter S Thomson keep on loving him, keep on respecting him. The finger that pulls a trigger, the hand that fashions a noose, it is desperation, never the idol you grew to love, that’s obvious right?
Do better Paul
I’ve been working on my attitude lately. Throughout various periods of my life I’ve found myself faced with the situation of feeling like I’m a good worker, but realizing all would be better served if I do more. For me that usually means those Latter Day Saint commercials from my childhood creep into my thinking.
What are the things that provoke us to do better? Is it a reaction to something? “I have to lose weight cause I look and feel fat.” Can it be an action that is not a reaction to something? I’m not sure… What is an action of the self, that is not in response to one's enviornment. I think it is possible (I’m hedging my bets here,) but probably it is usually a reaction.
I want to feel better.
I resent usually when I feel like I’m putting this energy forward and others aren’t. It still benefits me to put the energy forward. I ultimately feel better and make the others around me feel better. The debt of whether or not they change at all or just also benefit from my behavior is what usually stops me from acting sooner.
If I think about it from a thoughtful and not emotional place I should just tweak my attitude and do it, end of story; as they say.
In the past this has always worked splendidly, people respond to it with a little incredulity, but reinvention isn’t subtle. The caterpillar doesn’t come out of chrysalis as a earth worm. A little sausage with plenty of feet and spikey fur turns into a winged creature. It isn’t even the ridiculous visual of say a dragon, all lizard with wings. This slow crawly thing becomes something else. No, people notice when you change your attitude, it is a situation that doesn’t go unnoticed.
Epilogue…
It isn’t really about me doing “more”. It is about me not being resentful of what I am doing. Shovel that shit with a smile sir. And it isn’t even shit, I don’t even care about the amount of work. Sometimes work is frustrating just cause of how we go about doing things.
Phase 3 pre production thoughts
Before you make a lot of money these are some of the thoughts that will go through your head.
“This will change things”
“I can finally..." I like this one. It is true, you can finally -insert here-, and that's what people usually do, but whatever amount of money you make, it is finite. And those things you wanted to do weren't usually big enough in thinking (making that spend count for years, not just now,) and few of them very rarely every return on "investment".
One of the ways to think about it is that I have enough money to not work for 8 years and three months. That aint bad, but that still leaves me ten years from when I could ever imagine cracking into my retirement and social security. So I probably shouldn't do that. Besides, spending the money on the rent, or on things that are immediately apart of my past are not going to make me more money. I might get some experiences, or things out of it, but i'm not going to make more money using money in that fashion.
This does change things, but it is somewhat anticlimatic. The real story isn't about the money, don't get me wrong, making money is GREAT! The secret is not having debt. I've been telling myself that for fifteen years and it has been hard for me at times, but that was just cause I knew I could dive in and get back out, but it didn't benefit me to do it. The last few times it has happened, I should have not done it.
Another way to put it is to say “Being close to having no debt, but not having much saved means you’re always clawing your way back to zero.” Struggling, or working hard, or always having a goal of no debt is different than having a goal of no debt and then saving a bunch of money. Granted, people in debt, or without much money are nearly drowning in the fatigue of just getting by. Talking about how pleasing it is to not only be debt free, but to also have only is maybe thoughtless?
I’m going through this full exercise of reinvesting my gains the best way I know how, building a new house. I will dot my i, cross my T and get right to the ribbon cutting and then I’ll step back and ask myself “Am I doing the right thing?” Making a plan and then fully developing an alternative direction to go in has always been a bit of a nail biter for me, but I guess I should just change my thinking, cause it checks my math and has always worked for me.
Things have changed. I am out of the corporate life. I am debt free, there is money in the bank. I’m working on a new project. Everything isn’t positive, money doesn’t fix everything. And no matter how much you understand the concept, money is hard to wrap your head around. We have a financial caste system that just has more mobility than India’s caste system, but it is still a tier. Money only matters if you save it when you get it.
Have I figured out how to be in one place?
I've struggled for a number of years now trying to figure out how to express myself in one place. Where does the photography go? Where do the business articles go, where do personal thoughts and musings go?
What I know is that I don't want to be at very Social Media silos. I know there are communities where I can share my work, and places where my friends and family can watch my rants. Oh how web 2.0 has been appified, and now that has been cloud based, and now we're going into this brave new world. I get it, i'm an old man on some front. I don't want to be famous, but I do want to do something like how I did it before, but using the tools at hand today, while still somehow not conforming to these god damn silos.
I want to go back to world of "All of this is about me, and anyone who is with me" We can call it a blog, or a communal zine, with some curation, or whatever. I just want all of the versions of me to be ok with each other. And to be honest, I just had a lot of porfessional influx going on, enough that I was too confused and certainly a little chicken shit about it all.
I also don't know about Squarespace. I appreciate the hosting opportunity, but i've never really found a computer that just works in an awesome way with Squarespace. It (the Squarespace web interface,) gets a little clunky over time, and tends get lost in memory after awhile, and I have to close out of the pages, this usually happens after about seven minutes of trying to work around glitches. So i've certainly struggled to get a good vibe with tinkering. I build client sites with Square space, usually with better luck, cause i'm not lingering, but even then, things could be better. Also, the page arrangement requires a delicate touch, and you have to be oke with way more white space than I necessarily always want, but i've not had enough momentum to jump ship to Wordpress or some other WYSIWYG / templatey site, and i've experimented with markup and going back to building pages, and that shit is for the birds.
Much of the problem is that I don't have a vision, I want to tinker and find my voice, I don't think there is an app for that, unless I just want to have a single container blog, and tag everything, and I want more energy to the page.
Lastly, I think i'm inspired. I worked on some side projects yesterday, which left me working 7 straight days, most of them with a cold, and I think i'm on the other side. Maybe i've had a breakthrough.
Multi-function Spaces - The Blue Kitchen - Part 1
Multi-function spaces struggle with telling a good story. One of our questions is "What story does the space tell?" This comment needs a bit of unpacking though. If we follow the spirit of "Form follows function" we are left to understand that a stranger should be able to walk in and see what purposes the multifunction space provides. What if space is at a premium, and the way you live is not single purpose. Do we want the entertainment space, which is more dining room/gathering place to communicate that it is also where laundry is done? No. While our European and Asian friends are very comfortable with laundry being handled in the kitchen, it is not a common practice to see the washer and dryer in the formal living spaces. In this instance we want to practically conceal such function, sometimes this is like trying to hide an elephant in a closet.
In the space featured, we were asked to remove a deck and enclosed porch, and the clients had a laundry list of things they wanted to add new. They wished for a screen porch, wanted a bigger kitchen, and also wanted to figure out how to do laundry. What they weren't sure about was if they wanted a dining room, or a family room, but they wanted to connect with their yard also. For us this meant a series of discussions with the client, in these talks we created scenarios, and worked to increase both the clients understanding of what they wanted, and our understanding of the different ways we could create a space. We all settled on a multi-function space at the center of the remodel, and it would flow on three sides, connected to the kitchen, in an open concept layout (this made sense cause both spaces are humble,) there would also be direct access to the yard, and in a big way, with light and visuals being a big focus. There would slso be access to the yard.
The thing about this multi-function space that is really interesting is that all parties understood that, while we had to work a laundry room into the space, we were leaving the room open to be either a dining/spillover space for the primary clients, with the understanding that they would rent it and the space for others would be very suited as a family room. With space at a premium and three sides leading to another room, we couldn't do a room, create a hall, or leave the washer and dryer in the open. So after playing with some concepts, we settled on the "buffet" as our solution. This concept also went through some iterations before we settled on a vision.
Don’t look back
I’ve been thinking about tearing my past away lately. This has been me letting go of documents and physical writings. I’ve started to clean out my web bookmarks. I’ve been donating and giving away things which mean a lot to me, and trying to questions all of my fundamentals.
Part of this exercise is pragmatic. We’ve moved into the tiny house and it scoffs at my original Fugazi cassette tape, the one I have to keep cracking open to fix tangles. So I’ve found my closure in photography, taking artful snapshots of those things I love and then moving on. We all have to find our way out of the towering piles of magazines and saved milk cartons. I hope I’ve done enough to protect myself from a future of believing things have meaning.
Soon what begins to happen is that you go through this repeated process of holding items in review. You move it from its tomb, you touch it, you get the wash of feelings, you move it to the keep, or donate, or trash box, and you try again. With the kids, the stuff that has the most meaning is in extreme, either something they created that truly is remarkable, or some token gift they gave you to show their love of you. Take a picture, move on. And who would have told me that the things from when I was 17 would mean so much to me. In your hands again, these things are time machines and they hurl you back to another time, but in this reality, it is just a plastic toy, or an article from a magazine. How do you fight this psychic magic? Move into a small house where space is an absolute premium, it gets easier.
The past haunts me, always has, why do I struggle to drag it everywhere I go.
Sofirm SP10S
This post previously appeared on a message board, a place where I love to talk to people about flashlights. Usually it feels like the people I’m talking to are really into flashlights, more so than I, like they do mods and stuff. The interest levels are like Disinterest/Curioisty/Love of/Obsession/Hacking and making your own. I’d say I’m in the “Love of” camp.
If you click here semi regularly, you might think I’d given poetry, and introspection up, for flashlights, and reflections on not being caught in the dark.*
Sofirm SP10S alongside the Thorfire TG06S.
This post previously appeared on a message board, a place where I love to talk to people about flashlights. Usually it feels like the people I’m talking to are really into flashlights, more so than I, like they do mods and stuff. The interest levels are like Disinterest/Curioisty/Love of/Obsession/Hacking and making your own. I’d say I’m in the “Love of” camp.
No one gives a hot biscuit about my like of flashlights. And if you’re reading this, you’re either stalking me (Paul Sibley,) or you went searching for (in this instance,) the Sofirm SP10S and I do have some thoughts about it. Those thoughts have been repurposed as a blog post, but originally appeared over at the Budget Light Forum on 6.21.19.
What follows is not so much a review, just observations for prosperity...
Sometimes when I go online to research something, I’ll find a thread discussing the thing in question, but that thread doesn’t always lead to closure, and often i’ll think “What happened?! Did they find it? Are they happy with the pick? What does any of this mean?” Not today people. If anyone comes looking for a compact day time flashlight, which doesn’t fray the pocket, and doesn’t stick out like a baton, and they’re sick of false activations in the pocket, I want to leave them with a story that has some meat to it.
This is where this all gets a bit meta, since this blog post is really a repurposed posting from a thread. For posterity I share it with you http://budgetlightforum.com/node/67336Andy Kaufman, people. I’m not sure what I’m doing with my writing. There are some deep jokes here, but I might be hoarding the guffaws.
Onward!
I just received my Sofirm SP10S. I’m pretty excited. As a contender in the discrete EDC pants clipping category it does great, with just a 1/2” of the light coming out of the pants; the profile in the pocket is also very discrete; the Jetbeam-1 MK only about 3/16” if memory serves me.
The lockout mode (4 steady clicks and then it flashes twice to confirm lock status) works, but you have to get those four clicks just right (maybe there could be room for improvement,) but I’ve not had a single false start in my pocket. I can’t say the same for my Olight s30r baton ii, which I ultimately have to carry with the battery cap twisted a few turns. Going back to lockout mode for a second, if it is locked and you hit the button the light flashes twice, good feature, you know it is locked. If only those two flashes lingered for just another half second, you could probably use this feature to peek at things, without unlocking the torch. I gotta circle back and be clear though, If you don’t get those four clicks just right, you will fall on another setting, like turbo (a double click), or moonlight, or strobe mode-which happens at three clicks.
Today my office partner, who I babble too much about flashlights to, said “Paul you gotta go to your flashlight message board and ask if your light is supposed to do that.” A comedienne that lady.
The fit and finish is great, the flashlight feels weightless, I’ll have to weigh it against my other small lights, I guess the part of the “lightness” is that it doesn’t feel heavy on one end of the light. The metal button has a charm, though it took a while to grow on me. The area around the metal button is detailed such that if you stroke it with your finger, it is easier to find. And I think I officially wish for a magnetic tail cap on anything that doesn’t have a clicky tail. The clip is firm, but not hard to get on/off the pants. The finish is great, matte black with a nice bit of light bounce. Unlike so many other things in my life that I hold precious, I love the patina that flashlights get over time.
Sofirm SP10S, set on high-300 lumen, photographed against a raw concrete countertop.
The CRI LH351D 800lm bulb is hard to explain, bright, and white, but not harsh, with this great glow. This is definitely a floody light, not in a bad way, but it throws off a tremendous amount of lumens around you, in addition to really lighting whatever it is pointed at. To me the light feels very clear and sharp. Moonlight is very useable, it isn’t .05 lumen though, maybe 5, or 10, with the 14500, I suspect the AA battery will be less. The “High” level (stated 310 lumen) is great for day time shelf searching, I’m not usually provoked to go to 800 lumen turbo. Turbo doesn’t feel as bright as the Thorfire TG06S, or the Jetbeam Jet-1 MK, but this isn’t bad, both those torches have a hot center and are bright, but obscure detail a bit. I’ll have to do a proper night time challenge when I get a chance.
Each new torch has challenges, “if only it also did this, while doing that too, then I’d be really happy.” And on top of that, as each new light arrives (I wonder if this happens for other people,) the pecking order for flashlights changes throughout the house. The Olight s30r baton ii gets delegated back to being the hidden nightstand light. The Thorfire TG06s becomes the “work light” to use when I’m doing carpentry around the house. mostly cause the Olight s30r baton ii is always turning on in my pocket, so maybe it will just become my walking and concert light And now the Sofirm SP10S is at my side as the light I spend the most time with on any given day.
The Sofirm SP10s light is pretty solid for discrete, trouble free day time carry, which is what I got it for. I think it would be the 14500 I recommend to adults like myself who had those same priorities. I might also give this light to kids, who have those quick reflexes for perfectly tapping out four steady clicks to lock/unlock and who would appreciate moonlight and strobe. I don’t think I’d recommend it to gen pop users though. I think (for me) the Thorfire TG06S is still the budget light to give to your friends and family, who are going to be delighted at the lumens they can get from an AA, and amazed by the 14500 abilities.
The story isn’t over though... I finally found a crazy deal on the Jetbeam-1 MK and ordered that bad mother. I’ll see if when it arrives I go back to it. I scoffed so hard at that twist to on function, but it is solid. I also have an On The Road coming to. The Jetbeam-1 MK, helped me stave off buying lights. I might have lost it a bit when I lost that light.
For the most discrete carry, with the simplest interface the Jetbeam-1 MK still is the pick. If you want more features and a direct access UI for turbo and strobe, the Sofirm SP10s is the way to go. The Thorfire TG06s is a great cheap flashlight that always starts on high and outside of chewing up batteries, it is a good light. Regular folks who still buy disposable batteries or use rechargeable AA, but say “14 wha?” would be well suited with this light.
*This is true.