"To me they were human beings"
Film
Schindlers List fckd me up. There are moments in time when I’ve consumed some media or the other: magazine articles, movies, novels. There are things that moved me, surprised me. Schindlers List was not so much about the Holocaust, which in and of itself truly struck me as a great atrocity. And I can’t (nor do I need to) separate the holocaust from the film; the thing that has stayed with me forever was the notion of failure over triumph in the appraisal of ones legacy.
“I could have done more.”
Julie
My ruminations continue on Julie Powell.
I think part of the connection with her death is that she and I are alumni of this moment in the early days of the internet.
Contributing to the internet in the early days was technical, you had to put effort in. It would take some time before turnkey hosting arrived. Those early hosts like Live Journal and Blogger lowered the technical aspects which freed people to express themselves without knowing code or how to manage files structures. This democratization of writing created the modern blog era as we know it for the common person who wanted to express themselves but had little technical experience.
Personal writing online was and still is a way to share yourself with others. It is absolutely journal exhibitionism, but this is a different way of sharing your life with yourself, friends, family, and the public. That said the commercial internet has always been about exploiting the efforts of its contributors (usually through advertisement), for the gain of a corporation. For us the creators that is a *faustian deal. Our participation in a hosted solution accommodates skill limitations, usually appears to have little costs, but in reality robs us of control, legacy, and places us at the whims of corporations that we unwittingly work for.
Julie was never polished. She was a person who had settled into life, wasn’t happy, felt herself in a rut and did something about it. She started to write. She started to cook. And she merged these two efforts into enough energy to shift her paradigm. Maybe most importantly Julie Powell stayed human and flawed. She didn’t succumb to the machine in quite the way that others usually do once there is any amount of success.
Faustian deal
Faustian bargain, a pact whereby a person trades something of supreme moral or spiritual importance, such as personal values or the soul, for some worldly or material benefit, such as knowledge, power, or riches. The term refers to the legend of Faust (or Faustus, or Doctor Faustus), a character in German folklore and literature, who agrees to surrender his soul to an evil spirit (in some treatments, Mephistopheles, or Mephisto, a representative of Satan) after a certain period of time in exchange for otherwise unattainable knowledge and magical powers that give him access to all the world’s pleasures. A Faustian bargain is made with a power that the bargainer recognizes as evil or amoral. Faustian bargains are by their nature tragic or self-defeating for the person who makes them, because what is surrendered is ultimately far more valuable than what is obtained, whether or not the bargainer appreciates that fact. source: Britannica
Technology
I’m filling my house up with Mac-shit. I have and always have had this love hate with Apple. As a fat black kid from the southside of Chicago the only computers I saw before we moved to Georgia were the ones that government workers had, and the occasional homebrew kinda computer, like the Tandy TRS-80 and other fair, which now I understand were portables meant for text files and writing code on the go. Once we got to Georgia my highschool had some Apple IIe computers. More importantly I could use them!
To stick with the macs a moment longer. I’ve gotten to this point where i’d rather use Linux machines which are rock hard stable and third place (in a four position race), on ease of adding features. Like Apple hardware they just work and building a OS that functions nearly flawlessly is their focus. Troubleshooting problems when they do occur is immediately hard. Finding and adding software also not for the feint of heart. All that said, the integration of the features across MacOS, iOS, and iPadOs is stunningly great. You can look at most of it as gimmickery. I think i’ll fall deeper into mac though and it will be because of pictures and the ability to work on one machine and the other machine being able to do things like absorb your copy and paste.
Life
No drinking till Thanksgiving.
This is not a “no november” thing.
I love Thanksgiving, I think it is my favorite holiday. Food, thanks. No gifts and schlepping around family, just food, thanks.
I want a few bottles of bordeaux, maybe a decadent scotch of some sort and I want to truly enjoy them. I want for them to be a maximum experience, not just “expensive flavors” for the holiday with no kick.
Who has time to edit?
The day started at 5:30am.
It is fall and I sleep later in the fall than the warmer months.
I had a follow up meeting. Two old GenXers doing a boomer mansion remodel. Kinda Grey Gardens meets early TLC “We bought this house and for the first ten years we just lived in chaos), or what I like torefer to as “Excessive lead and asbestos exposure.”
To say my day got back to normal would be not true. I just changed rails and hurled my work train towards what I should have been and had a long day of it all.
My day usually starts at 6:45am. I have a new ritual. I get up, I do some work, “I check in” as I like to say. In the evening “I check out”. I only work for thirty minutes to an hour. It is a good time to orient and also sift around for the hanging chads.
I then move on to writing. Whatever is in my head I try to write. I’ll go about thirty or forty minutes. If I have time I might then cruise the web, but fuck that Internet. It seems to be eating away at people and ruining their lives, so i think I’m out for awhile and going to minimize my exposure.
After not wasting two hours on the internet. I then go walk for half an hour. After all of that it is 9:30 and I work till 5pm. Later in the day I repeat: work, workout, write.
The four horseman
I think rationalizing, laziness, fear and delusion are the four horseman of our times. If there was a fifth it’d be our inability to resist the internet.
Bits…
When do you edit when you barely have time to write? With KungFu I had a good “Let it all out!” way about me. It was so dense I could tease article after article out of just one session of writing. When would I ever go back and edit?
Exercise and what the electric bike taught me about riding a regular bicycle.
I’m four years into electric bike ownership and it has really been a pleasing experience. Electric bikes are in many ways a new transportation medium. Like the moped, the electric bike is as little as an augmentation to the experience one has with conventional bicycling-with just some help for the hills and fatigue. The electric bike is also very much like the moped though, where there can be enough power and range for the rider to convey themselves without effort. And for many electric bike owners this isn’t a disparate situation as most electric bikes allow the adjustment of augmentation.
“Why then the world is your oyster when it comes to the electric bike.”
I would say the electric bike affected my driving as much as bicycling. In the instance of ebike vs car, local and short trips were more achievable on the ebike, mostly cause of time. On a conventional bicycle vs a moderately ridden ebike (an instance where you’re still achieving cardiovascular benefits), your ride time is cut in half. A analog powered ride is thirty minute, on the ebike it would be more like fifteen. It can be less time even, but the question is do you ride your ebike amongst the cars, where your peril is still very much equivilant of analog bike riding, though you will spend less time amongst the cars, so there is that. Or do you ride your ebike amongst the analog bikes and walkers, often times on paths and trails which weren’t originally conceived of for higher sustained riding speeds. For these four years of ownership I was able to eliminate the car from short distance errands.
As it relates to the analog bicycle, the ebike is a somewhat different experience. Years in now, I would say the analog bike is better for the reflective ride. There is less “I’m certain my bike will be stolen while I run an errand inside the store” feelings. There is less “This anxiety level is the same as when I rode a motorcycle.” There is much more “My heart rate is very high, will I die on this hill.” That said, as I am more analog than e of late My conditioning has vastly improved riding analog and on some level I do attribute it to the ebike in large part, along with continued improvement in my health and stamina.
Mostly ebikes just reinforce the experience of bicycling. I wondered after I got the ebike if I would just divest of my electric bikes and it has not been the case, i’ve come to love them more.
With electric vehicles you must remember you purchase your fuel in advance. For my bike four years of assisted energy has been great, though my battery has finally failed and it is now in the category of “future projects to circle back to” I think there is a chance to fix what is more a processor issue and less a dead battery issue, but servicing a batter is servicing electricity and it is a different world than working on a computer and replacing a part. So we shall see.
Behavior
Lately i’ve been working on getting back up to speed with thinking. My mom died, we had a global pandemic, work got shitty. It all took the wind out of my sails and I took a break.
There is something to be said about what one does when they step back from their best self. This is harder still when you’re in the midst of an aforementioned global event, but you don’t always schedule your fuckery.
I find myself at a crossroad of thinking though about what I want to do with my life. I understand that my interest in expatriating is just wanting a life where what i’ve accumulated is enough that I don’t have to work every day of my life just to survice. If I really want to realize this though I have to stop spending all the money. I have to truly take a vow of poverty and my pleasure must be in experiences that are humble, not consumptive.
I am reminded of Walden pond and Thoreau’s impact on this entire journey i’ve taken.
In the mornings now I start with work for while (not my regularly perused web sites), I then write (what i’m doing now), I exercise, then maybe I review some stuff.
If I want to change…
If you want to change…
To change we can’t do the same thing and expect different results.
Technology
I’ve given up on technology websites. My start of the day ritual has for almost a decade been to start with a cup of coffee and read [The Verge}(https://www.theverge.com/) and then Gizmodo and then Engadget this is how I would wake up. This is the technological equivalent of reading a lingerie catalog, moving on to a mens magazine and then finishing with a little online porn, just with plastic and processors. There is such a lather of dissatisfaction that comes from advancement. To win the great war we got really good at making factories. Those factories made guns, and tanks, helmets and uniforms. You make one and then you make another. Onward marching into the future. That kinda energy can be put to feeding the war machine or peoples appetite to consume and upgrade.
Cars were maybe one of the first things to upgrade. If you come to consider the automobile it is not a monolithic device. A automobile is a series of timers. Your seat comfort and upholstery is on a timer. Your engine is on a timer. Your paint job and tires are all on timers. All the timers are always running. If you don’t drive the car the timer still runs. If you drive the car the timer runs. If you take meticulous care of the car and keep it in your house safe (like a baby), with a entire room dedicated to it you slow the timer. If you proactive take additional care of every component you slow down time. Or just get another car. Why be nickeled and dimed with repairs and maintenance, ditch that car and get another one.
Technology is not the same. Technology is frozen in a moment of hardware being engineered to spec, while existing software (ever hungry for power) either takes advantage of that new spec or new software is produced that takes advantage of the new opportunities that the hardware has provided.
This isn’t a condemnation of technology or factory economics (well…), it is an observation. Features are the encapsulation of progress, progress comes over time. Progress in things means the creation of new things. I stopped reading the aforementioned sites cause the The Verge did a redesign that is hideous. After years of making a mostly reader friendly interface they’ve shit up with a layout that only a college zine inspired kid would toss up on the web. They’ve done upgrades in the past that I had to adjust to, but this new one is nearly inscrutable to me. It has somehow broken this consumption behavior though. I no longer have any interest in those things. Habits. You can do the same thing for years and then some introduction of something new just breaks the routine. For some there is nothing more. For others it creates a revelation. “Why other than because I have been am I doing this now?”
Itinerary I’m traveling into the city ///atoms.carver.touches to tell some potential clients I can’t shave 30k off of their estimate and still give them everything they want cause that isn’t possible. I could cut that fart over the phone but I want to sit with them and use the time as an opportunity to discuss development and leave them with the opportunity to have a good last impression. We may not be able to do this deal with them, but sometimes they circle back.
The more interesting thing abou this meeting is that I am I going to be dropped off by Katie and then I have to make my way back to town for a meeting. I can bicycle and jump on the train, or walk and jump on the train, or a bus or an Uber. I don’t know which one actually appeals to me more though.
I biked to a meeting yesterday and that was good energy. Today i’m going to double down, but I should be mindful that it is smack in the middle of my feeding opportunity, so I have to be mindful of that. It is also a snug enough time that I have to think it out and my breezy work schedule calls.
How do you find time to figure things out and also write about them…
Learn from death...
Julie Powell died last week (10.26.22), she was a wholesome early internet star known for her blog Julie/Julia which can still be read on the web archive.
The Julie/Julia Project in today's prism could be seen as a stunt for getting famous on the coattails of someone else's legacy. It is a great writing exercise though, everything is there. A singular topic you can focus on, but you get to also bring your persona to the narrative.
When it comes to writing i’ve always struggled with writing about one thing. Maybe the second lesson to be learned here is that in deconstructing Julie Powell’s early writing, the Julie/Julia Project gave her a forum to write about three things; cooking, herself, life around her as it related to cooking.
The other more recent lesson i’ve taken from Julie came with her passing. I don’t really worry much over mortality. It is a wick that seems burnt out from my youth. I know i’m going to die. I know I i’m not privy to when that will happen. I also know i’ve been holding my breath. I’ve been waiting to live my life. This life I live now, oh i’m a lowly caterpillar and one day i’ll be a butterfly. Except, what happens if I die a caterpillar? I never think about that. This is apparently where I still have feelings about mortality.
What I know of my years writing KungFu is that my friends and family were my Julia. These days I don’t interrelate with people in the same way, more importantly my writing spirit seems somewhat chained to the past. Like all time travelers I had this great power (to travel back and forth through time), but not change much. I am alone, even when i’m with others; they don’t understand.
Remodel
#overheard Dana talking to her mom “Oh good! We have a new countertop, the dishwasher is back too!
I don’t know how long the dishwasher has been gone. Almost a year I figure, maybe nine months or so?
Living through a remodel is hard. There has been plenty to write about but I haven’t had the discipline or clarity to want to write…
cars
Every car has design flaws that are a part of owning that car. Maybe it chews through compressors. Maybe it runs really hot and you’ll always be replacing hoses. The Miata is still gone. The MR2 is still gone. The e320 probably is a HVAC eater, I think i’m on my third compressor, it’s not looking good. Toyota doesn’t make a perfect car, they also have quirks like any other vehicle. You just usually do repairs less frequently with Toyo, often times it is a less exciting experience, but you don’t think about repair so much.
There is a lot less instant gratification of late. There is a lot of just trying to get whole. At this rate, it’ll take me eighteen months to get all the cars where I want them. This will be because frugality is my first concern here. I can pay a lot to have some guys do some crap for me fast. If i’m to be honest with myself I like to edge everything out, really milk it, if you know what i mean.
Number One
Rosie and I worked on the appliance station this weekend. The kitchen has gone full Temporary Kitchen. When you go in the direction of the temporary kitchen you are just trying to live your life and be whole. You no longer care about anything other than just warming up a corn dog in the oven and wanting to not have spots on your silverware.
Why I stopped writing
It was too hard to sweep the thoughts out of my mind to get to a place where I just had one thought I could develop. And I want all the thoughts too. As i’m over here with two blogs (Scratch and KFO), my mind starts to drift to process and presentation which is usually when I get sad about the state of things. We are on the other side of this fuckery. We’re writing and stuff is going up and this is just that era.
Triage…
I think once you understand your circumstances might not change you either can change or continue on with the same results that you don’t feel happy about.
A couple of months ago I went to Home Depot to return what amounted to approximately 300lbs of material. I politely waited my turn while the disinterested clerks moved at a glacial pace. I chatted on my headset with Luke, giving a little play by play about the customers ahead of me. I wasn’t stage whispering, nor was I trying to be overheard. I also was not from central casting. I might as well have been the lady in the red dress. I had my sushi cat camera with me, workout tights, some colorful nikes and my “jazzman who doesn’t shoot smack anymore” sunglasses on. I was in a great mood.
The guy helping me was fine, but the rest of the clerks were not, but he was willing to accommodate, he didn’t bear a grudge to anyone in a good mood. I did not have my receipt though, and I did not even have my ID, so we didn’t do the return. I thanked him went on my way, loaded the three hundred pounds back up, went home, got my ID and came back. That’s when it all went south.
To summarize, (which isn’t my way, no sir!), the next return was not good. The clerk who sat next to the clerk who helped me acted like he’d never seen me before and was a total dick. I had my ID, but no receipt or company card and he wouldn’ budge. He hit a key on the register which printed a form receipt that said to contact Home Depot if I wanted help. This is usually where I would have gotten bothered. Something changed in me though. I understood mayhe, or I could see we were in the collective moment of no one giving a shit. So many people seem dissatisfied by their circumstances, but don’t feel responsible for their lot in life. Interacting with the second batch of Home Depot folk, the CSR and his “supervisor” shifted my perspective.
We are the architects of our destiny. Yes, all of our societies have a caste system. Yes, if you’re born under privileged you will have the odds stacked against you. Maybe the worse thing (a rare nod to politics), it’s too bad the conservative party has soiled the narrative of ruggedness and self reliance and making something of yourself in America. Those are some irradiated topics now. Those folks I dealt with the second time though, the highlight of their day was lording over a few people, showing how in that one transaction they had the power to spoil your day. Hm. I am better than that. And in that moment I saw clearly that the last two years were still shitty but I had a lot of shit on my hands from making shit bricks to surround myself with.
I left that second interaction pleased somewhat. Yes. I had three hundred pounds to yet again place in my car and a return effort to make once more and I did. More importantly I was reminded that my life is really just a series of responses.
Technology
- Don’t work on your computer while the electricians are at your house...
- I’m installing a 2TB drive into a eleven year old computer The drive costed $194, the computer costed $149. Crazy town.
Cars
- The miata restoration continues, we’re close. I’m excited, but subdued. The second time back has to always contend with the romance of nostalgia. Nostalgia may be stronger than reality.
- To that end the MR2 restoration is also taking place. I’m a little more comfortable with the MR2 coming back and my relationship being nearly the same, though we are doing some upgrades (stage 2 clutch, suspension, and maybe some airflow action), the experience will be different, though hopefully subtle.
Losing control...
Midday 11.1.22
When I lose control I always come out on the other side seeing things better. I don’t know why that is, but it shakes me out of how i’ve been stuck looking at things.
The recent months have been an effort at looking to the positives.
This way the world was changed by Covid-19 really pulled me in multiple directions. I was getting a good handle on my weight, really building a head of steam for my next life and I wasn’t happy.
The list is long for the unhappiness. Again, life is just these good and bad things. You ping pong back and forth, it can be a roller coaster. The kids growing up and losing finding their way. The remodel not being joyous and instead just a slog. It was a bad 24 months externally; I didn’t make it any better internally.
I’ve been coping with having a great life and overcoming every hurdle tossed at me, but it hasn’t been a joy, just a pleasureless slog.
#How I dealt with it#
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood Mr Rogers was all about the little details. I started with appreciating the smallest things. Baby steps. Changing socks, taking a shower. It all sounds ridiculous but I do have the luxury of being able to change clothes as often as I like. When I first considered it I felt like a clothing dilentatte of sorts. Three or four sock changes a day. Who would ever change their socks after a workout. I mean I would be wearing my shit out, and i’d have to do more laundry. All those little things made a difference. I do change clothes like its a three hour concert extravaganza. The little details are important. I don’t know why I deprived myself before.
Why focus on the negatives? Focus on the positives”
This is some more fundamental stuff, but until the switch turns in your head “all is lost”.
I haven’t been focusing on the good shit. I am optimistic in interaction easily lost in disappointments and feeling burdened to work shit out. There was a lot of stuff to work out.
I’m not afraid to die, but I want to be happy for a little while…
Take this for what it is… We are here to survive. How we choose to do that is up to us. The Covid-19 threw me for a loop cause it occurred at the start of my celebration of years of sacrifice. I felt cheated. “Back to surviving Paul. There is no party for you sir.” And so i did. And my survival happened at the same time I started a second business and prepared for a protracted remodel. I didn’t cope with it well. And here I am pinning my mom’s passing on like a tail on the donkey. Shitty.
Don’t be the worse thing about your life It's true we are our worst enemies…