Losing control...

Midday 11.1.22

When I lose control I always come out on the other side seeing things better. I don’t know why that is, but it shakes me out of how i’ve been stuck looking at things.

The recent months have been an effort at looking to the positives.

This way the world was changed by Covid-19 really pulled me in multiple directions. I was getting a good handle on my weight, really building a head of steam for my next life and I wasn’t happy.

The list is long for the unhappiness. Again, life is just these good and bad things. You ping pong back and forth, it can be a roller coaster. The kids growing up and losing finding their way. The remodel not being joyous and instead just a slog. It was a bad 24 months externally; I didn’t make it any better internally.

I’ve been coping with having a great life and overcoming every hurdle tossed at me, but it hasn’t been a joy, just a pleasureless slog.

#How I dealt with it#

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood Mr Rogers was all about the little details. I started with appreciating the smallest things. Baby steps. Changing socks, taking a shower. It all sounds ridiculous but I do have the luxury of being able to change clothes as often as I like. When I first considered it I felt like a clothing dilentatte of sorts. Three or four sock changes a day. Who would ever change their socks after a workout. I mean I would be wearing my shit out, and i’d have to do more laundry. All those little things made a difference. I do change clothes like its a three hour concert extravaganza. The little details are important. I don’t know why I deprived myself before.

Why focus on the negatives? Focus on the positives” This is some more fundamental stuff, but until the switch turns in your head “all is lost”.
I haven’t been focusing on the good shit. I am optimistic in interaction easily lost in disappointments and feeling burdened to work shit out. There was a lot of stuff to work out.

I’m not afraid to die, but I want to be happy for a little while…
Take this for what it is… We are here to survive. How we choose to do that is up to us. The Covid-19 threw me for a loop cause it occurred at the start of my celebration of years of sacrifice. I felt cheated. “Back to surviving Paul. There is no party for you sir.” And so i did. And my survival happened at the same time I started a second business and prepared for a protracted remodel. I didn’t cope with it well. And here I am pinning my mom’s passing on like a tail on the donkey. Shitty.

Don’t be the worse thing about your life It's true we are our worst enemies…