Triage…
I think once you understand your circumstances might not change you either can change or continue on with the same results that you don’t feel happy about.
A couple of months ago I went to Home Depot to return what amounted to approximately 300lbs of material. I politely waited my turn while the disinterested clerks moved at a glacial pace. I chatted on my headset with Luke, giving a little play by play about the customers ahead of me. I wasn’t stage whispering, nor was I trying to be overheard. I also was not from central casting. I might as well have been the lady in the red dress. I had my sushi cat camera with me, workout tights, some colorful nikes and my “jazzman who doesn’t shoot smack anymore” sunglasses on. I was in a great mood.
The guy helping me was fine, but the rest of the clerks were not, but he was willing to accommodate, he didn’t bear a grudge to anyone in a good mood. I did not have my receipt though, and I did not even have my ID, so we didn’t do the return. I thanked him went on my way, loaded the three hundred pounds back up, went home, got my ID and came back. That’s when it all went south.
To summarize, (which isn’t my way, no sir!), the next return was not good. The clerk who sat next to the clerk who helped me acted like he’d never seen me before and was a total dick. I had my ID, but no receipt or company card and he wouldn’ budge. He hit a key on the register which printed a form receipt that said to contact Home Depot if I wanted help. This is usually where I would have gotten bothered. Something changed in me though. I understood mayhe, or I could see we were in the collective moment of no one giving a shit. So many people seem dissatisfied by their circumstances, but don’t feel responsible for their lot in life. Interacting with the second batch of Home Depot folk, the CSR and his “supervisor” shifted my perspective.
We are the architects of our destiny. Yes, all of our societies have a caste system. Yes, if you’re born under privileged you will have the odds stacked against you. Maybe the worse thing (a rare nod to politics), it’s too bad the conservative party has soiled the narrative of ruggedness and self reliance and making something of yourself in America. Those are some irradiated topics now. Those folks I dealt with the second time though, the highlight of their day was lording over a few people, showing how in that one transaction they had the power to spoil your day. Hm. I am better than that. And in that moment I saw clearly that the last two years were still shitty but I had a lot of shit on my hands from making shit bricks to surround myself with.
I left that second interaction pleased somewhat. Yes. I had three hundred pounds to yet again place in my car and a return effort to make once more and I did. More importantly I was reminded that my life is really just a series of responses.
Technology
- Don’t work on your computer while the electricians are at your house...
- I’m installing a 2TB drive into a eleven year old computer The drive costed $194, the computer costed $149. Crazy town.
Cars
- The miata restoration continues, we’re close. I’m excited, but subdued. The second time back has to always contend with the romance of nostalgia. Nostalgia may be stronger than reality.
- To that end the MR2 restoration is also taking place. I’m a little more comfortable with the MR2 coming back and my relationship being nearly the same, though we are doing some upgrades (stage 2 clutch, suspension, and maybe some airflow action), the experience will be different, though hopefully subtle.
Losing control...
Midday 11.1.22
When I lose control I always come out on the other side seeing things better. I don’t know why that is, but it shakes me out of how i’ve been stuck looking at things.
The recent months have been an effort at looking to the positives.
This way the world was changed by Covid-19 really pulled me in multiple directions. I was getting a good handle on my weight, really building a head of steam for my next life and I wasn’t happy.
The list is long for the unhappiness. Again, life is just these good and bad things. You ping pong back and forth, it can be a roller coaster. The kids growing up and losing finding their way. The remodel not being joyous and instead just a slog. It was a bad 24 months externally; I didn’t make it any better internally.
I’ve been coping with having a great life and overcoming every hurdle tossed at me, but it hasn’t been a joy, just a pleasureless slog.
#How I dealt with it#
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood Mr Rogers was all about the little details. I started with appreciating the smallest things. Baby steps. Changing socks, taking a shower. It all sounds ridiculous but I do have the luxury of being able to change clothes as often as I like. When I first considered it I felt like a clothing dilentatte of sorts. Three or four sock changes a day. Who would ever change their socks after a workout. I mean I would be wearing my shit out, and i’d have to do more laundry. All those little things made a difference. I do change clothes like its a three hour concert extravaganza. The little details are important. I don’t know why I deprived myself before.
Why focus on the negatives? Focus on the positives”
This is some more fundamental stuff, but until the switch turns in your head “all is lost”.
I haven’t been focusing on the good shit. I am optimistic in interaction easily lost in disappointments and feeling burdened to work shit out. There was a lot of stuff to work out.
I’m not afraid to die, but I want to be happy for a little while…
Take this for what it is… We are here to survive. How we choose to do that is up to us. The Covid-19 threw me for a loop cause it occurred at the start of my celebration of years of sacrifice. I felt cheated. “Back to surviving Paul. There is no party for you sir.” And so i did. And my survival happened at the same time I started a second business and prepared for a protracted remodel. I didn’t cope with it well. And here I am pinning my mom’s passing on like a tail on the donkey. Shitty.
Don’t be the worse thing about your life It's true we are our worst enemies…
iMac Project
#Model: MC813LL/A Apple iMac 27" i5 4GB RAM 1TB HDD Silver
#Drives
#Ram
Our only Amazon choice for ram @16gb
Ram @16gb & 32gb
*notes: source everymac Officially, this model supports four 4 GB modules -- one in each slot for a maximum of 16 GB of memory. However, third-parties have discovered that it actually will support 32 GB of memory using four 8 GB modules."
#misc -Original link
#Write a romance novel#
D10.31.22
I’ve had some good talks with Dee lately. She writes and I respect that. She writes. I envy that she writes. To write one must write.
Technology
I am lying to myself if I don’t admit I love fiddling with things. I forget it sometimes, usually if i’ve failed and wrenching life out of some end of life thing.
To me all computers have some value. Computers must live in their moment though. Computers are assembled to pair with software. Mostly computers fall out of favor when we upgrade them past their abilities.
Music
I’ve been listening to Isabelle Pierre. Casey Neistat played one of her songs in the background of a video. It perfectly matched with the sentiment of the footage. When I find a song I like will usually make a note about it and see if I feel the same in a week. I’ve gone decades not knowing the words of a song. This has never been a big issue for me, in my head that’s the song. When you tell me what the right lyrics are, my version does usually seem to be the better song. New songs don’t have that same protection and my mind greedily digs through the words. Really looking at lyrics can beat down an otherwise catchy song.
Markdown
This is my fourth go at Markdown. Each time i’ve come to this simple way of formatting a doc I have failed. In each instance Markdown was paired with a vintage computer. I have a closet of thin and light laptops that i’ve bought for executives over the years. These computers have all had three things in common: they are small (12 inches is the biggest), weigh less than 3 pounds, are underpowered.
An underpowered portable laptop is the perfectly wrong computer. Most users come to the relationship seduced by the size; the light and tiny wins them over. They then go on to use their tiny computer. They exalt all the freedoms of not being weighed down. They disregard the bruises and challenges of always bumping their head on the performance ceiling. Eventually, these devotees to the tiny go in search of a nother small computer, one that is as awesome as the one they have, but faster. Back in the dark days (before ARM*), there wasn’t really “faster”. Yes! The machine was quicker, but always paired with a new operating system, thus a heavier load, the cycle repeats.
More on Markdown later…
references
[Colon vs semicolon] (https://www.grammarly.com/blog/semicolon-vs-colon-vs-dash/?gclsrc=ds)
[exalt] (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/exalt)[*ARM] (https://www.redhat.com/en/topics/linux/what-is-arm-processor)
#J 10.26.22
10.26.22
Life
10.26.22 midnight
I’ve been reading the Kindle lately. I don’t know which library (Kindle vs Nook) is trashier… It may really just be that i’m so cheap that my digital library just doesn’t look like my personal library. I should even be willing to admit that i’m so neurotic about the cost of things that it really has affected my reading habits.
I used to just be invigorated with taking things in. I think I still am, so much static though. I am not confused about why Spalding Gray killed himself. I get it.
10.27
All i mean to say is that (insert “The internet has changed our lives” blabber) we’ve deconstructed knowledge. I grew up with the internet in rooms and buildings and knowledge was sequestered to books. Every community had its own internet and we called it a library. You got the paper, the tv offered some view into the world.
I read on portable devices to ease my mind, that stuff is lighter fair.
I don’t miss the library cause it still exists. It can’t compare to the Internet, but the same can be said for Internet as it relates to libraries.
Cars
The Miata has been gone for months. I did most of the tear down and the more advanced work has been sent to a shop I found through Trav. I’ve seen nothing but one pic of her. She looks better than when she left me.
They say you can’t go back. I’m in the midst of it. They’re probably right.
The cars are such a weird luxury. I look at other people with one car. And this one car is a lot of money a month on a note. It’s a lot of money a month for insurance. How can you like that? How do you park next to other cars when your car (and insurance), is like $1300 a month? I don’t know what happens with the Miata. I don’t think this car is my truth anymore. It is a fantastic drive, but i’m a little more comfortable in the MR2 now. I don’t feel nervous when i’m flittering about here and there with the MR2. In the Miata I feel like i’m only doing a little better than if I was driving a motorcycle.
None of cars I have are what I want. All the cars I have are a joy to drive though.
Survival is less luxurious
GEAR
Envy meets lowered expectations
I ordered a 28” iMac. This will be interesting. I’m mildly excited. I’ve always wanted one. This one is right up my Mac alley, it’s too old to run the latest shit, but I think it’ll be fine with itunes and get me by on the web. And i’m going to load my software stash on it and call it a day. I’m then going to take the outgoing “kitchen mac”
All in 1
I ordered a Logitech K400 multimedia keyboard? This keyboard is used by folks to pair up with appliances (streaming tv, web boxes), that require input. It is generously spaced compared to a laptop keyboard, but not so much a full sized keyboard. And there is a built in track pad. It also has a second left mouse button in the upper left hand corner that some folks find to just be great. I dunno. What I do know is that I have this old as puck (no NUC), computer that i’ve buried under my couch and i’m using it as my primary computer of late. And i’ve not perfected my ergonomic position on this couch. This is because you can’t work ergonomically on a couch.
You buy all the gas up front
Electric cars and Electric bikes are the same. You buy your miles in advance.
There isn’t an electric bike you’d want to ride with no power. You can ride an electric bike with no power, but you don’t want to ride one with no power. The whole system that augments your riding is expensive two ways. First forget what they’ve told you. Maintaing an aging electric conveyance will cost you. You buy all of your fuel upfront and then you have treat it like a baby or it will degrade on you. It will eventually fail and when it does you have to buy your fuel in advance again. Such a shit show, only in that there is nearly no repair infrastructure out there. So you just have to turn into “Intern Engineer Guy” who might burn his house down. Or you buy a new battery.
Wonk Wonk.
My battery management system is probably the culprit. Who knows though.
Frivolity not greatness
My writing voice has always been me talking aloud and to an imaginary audience. I’m haunted by the past though. Truth be told the audience was not imaginary, it was my self, it was my friends and family; it was people I didn’t even fucking know. Public speech is a prism onto the mind of the person writing. It doesn’t matter if your soul is laid bare, or you’ve crafted a narrative. I was telling a story in a world and that world had gravity, a north and a south. Leylines. In a Tiger Woods kinda way I was really great at that, I’d at least honed some voice. Now it feels like a costume made of the flesh of others, with goodbye horses playing in the background.
I just gotta start doing the work.
It wasn't James Blunt dude.
12.4.21 #article #blog #kfo #thisisthenew.me #movie #musing
The first two minutes and fifty eight seconds of the movie Closer is shot in slow motion. The Damien Rice* song “Can’t take my eyes off of you”, (the entire song mind you), plays for this entire sequence.
Thirty seconds in it was fine. Forty five seconds started to feel tedious. At one minute it feels like a gag.
A soft chuckle, with a little bit of “wtf, dude” escaped me. At two minutes in I realized Jude Law did not look sexy and I was uncomfortable looking at Natalie Portman, with her terrible “Pay attention to me cause I’m the red colored object.”in the scene. To be clear, I wasn’t feeling weird cause she looked like an eighties troll doll you’d have on your key ring. I was uncomfortable cause this was no longer the little girl from the movie with Jean Reno. This was her adult self.
I just want to point out that Damien Rice is still singing and the video is still in slow motion.
Anyway… I won’t spoil the rest for you.
“I can’t take my eyes off of you”
*I originally attributed the song to Jame Blunt.