August 01
--.t-
You steal
Dean R Koontz novels from the grocery store, hide them under your bed.
Your bad luck intermingles with your horrible choice of writers and lovers.
Clouds linger, deep inside you ache, but you still have an unnatural fear of
Peter Straub.
September 01
--
All
day long you couldn’t get a file to work, when you finally got the company
computer guy to come over, he made it work with no problem.
When you ask what he did he shrugged and smiled.
He is in fact, fucking with your head.
October 01
--
Your
dabbling in Hinduism have earned you the Eastern Religions Chair in hell. Go to
church with your mom and forget what you’ve learned. Only Jesus can save you
now.
November 01
--
Being two
halves of a whole does not mean you can make idle conversation with
yourself in the bank line about killing all your friends and family in a bloody
shotgun massacre. Keep it to yourself until the time is right.
December 01 --
Lock and load baby! Time to
take back Hockey from those damn Canadians.
January 02--
The next person
to ask you for the time is out to get you. You will know what to do about
that.
February 02--
Some psycho conspiracy theorist will try to molest you on the elevator this week. He won’t settle for no. Let him touch it just once.
March 02--
You
have done a great job quitting cigarettes. Your lungs are healing nicely, you can taste things again. You have more energy. Now concentrate on quitting the heroin and the 100$-a-day crack habit and you should be in top shape.
April 02--
True
love will be gunning for you this week. It will steer into your path and smash
you flat. Dust off those condoms and say hello to your third cousin in a whole
new way.
May 02--
Your
cockroach farm is coming along nicely.
The one you call Granddad is a real beaut.
Be extremely careful though.
A revolution is coming amongst the lesser beings.
The first attack will come by night whilst you sleep.
Get them first.
June 02--
Yeah you have crabs again. That itchy feeling in your
nether regions and the bites? They are infesting you. Bathe in gasoline to
kill them for good. Don’t smoke.
July 02--
You’ll piss
off your offspring this month by attempting to know “exactly what
(they’re) going through.” Save your fucking advice and send them large
amounts of money.
August
02--
It’s
your birth month! Whoop-dee fucking doo. On more year closer to death and
loneliness in an old age home where you’re molested daily by Bruno the day
nurse, shit your pants constantly, are force fed gruel-like food through a straw
and hooked up to machines that keep your blood circulating and your lungs
working. Happy fucking birthday though!!!
The horoscope section is written monthly by
Michael Glenn. Known
for his accurate dream interpretations and his recent book "Never die in
your sleep" Mike can be reached online
for private horoscope readings.