September H o r o s c o p e s   
 -p s y c h i c   m u s i n g s   b y   M i c h a e l    G l e n n  a n d   t h e  K u n g  Fu   s t a f f
 

aries -March. 21st-April. 20th-
-I’m sorry, but your horoscope was irreparably damaged due to infestation of a nasty computer virus.  You’re on your own this month.  Don’t eat curry.


taurus -April. 21st-May 20th- 
-Your lucky number is 12.  Your lucky color is blue-green with a hint of yellow (maybe gold).  Your lucky position is face up against the shower wall.  Your POWER creature is the cockroach.

gemini -May 21st-June 21st-
- Being a pagan means never having to say you’re sorry for smoking the remnants of the Christmas tree.  Strips naked, run through the park, make a sacrifice of an empty jar of peanut butter and three small screws.  This will ensure good fortune for the next six weeks.

cancer -June 22nd-July 22nd- 
- Having had your wife snatched from underneath your nose by a more appealing (both physically and mentally) person, you’ll find your intense, but completely boring flings simply a cover-up for your own personal inadequacies.  My suggestion?  Take your head out of your ass and focus on ‘you’.  You’ll end up with a great boyfriend!

leo -July 23rd-August. 22nd- 
 - Quit sending your friends empty fucking beer cans with nappy cigarette butts in them as packing material for expensive electronic equipment!  Next time pack the box with some good South American ganji bud.  It’ll make for a more relaxing evening, resulting in a more productive editor, AND an interesting response from the feds at your front door should they have the drug sniffing dogs in full force at the post office

virgo -August. 23rd-September. 22nd-
-You have great tits.  You’re hot, baby.  But your left elbow gives your boyfriend the creeps.  Maybe it’s the dry skin.  Maybe it’s the way it puckers up like a lame lover with the fat hanging down over it, desperately in need of lotion and exercise.  But, then again, it’s probably the green eye that stares unwaveringly and unblinkingly at him while you sleep.  Staring.  Staring.  Just watching.

libra -September. 23rd-October. 23rd-
-Find something to believe in.  Find God.  Find a cult.  Find the courage to put something bigger than yourself in the center of your life.  We are all serving time in the same cell, what you do with your time there is entirely up to you.  You can waste it or you can use it to ensure that once you’re out of the cell you’ll be going home to a nice, comfortable environment.

scorpio -October. 24th-November. 22nd-
-Somehow you manage to suck the life out of the most energetic of atmospheres.  You’re also quite talented at eating too much and sitting around on your fat ass watching reruns of bad cop shows.  But then again, you’re not as bad as the Sagittarius, but pretty damn close.

sagittarius -November. 23rd-December. 21st- 
-You, my friend, suck.  Your very being offends even the most liberated peace loving hippie freak.  The toilet recoils at your bottom resting upon it’s pristine surface.  Even the scummy pots in the downtown pubs of London cower from your presence.  The lowest shithole in the crappy bordertowns of Mexico (next to the donkey show, of course) scream when you bare your unbearable bum, regardless of how many gringo’s have used it in the past hour.  On a lighter note, the women you date won’t realize what a fucking nasty turd you are if you just leave your pants on, long shirts required.  No nookie for you!

capricorn -December. 22nd-January. 20th-
-The Army says “Be All You Can Be”.  The Navy says “Go Navy!”  The Air Force says “Aim High”.  The local girl scout troop #305 says “You’re not to come within a hundred yards of anyone selling cookies or you’ll be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law and imprisoned since your notorious cock-hanging-out-of-zipper incident last time we sold you our delectable munchies in your neighborhood.”

aquarius -January. 21st-Feburary. 18th- 
-Your first experience with poultry has left a bitter and slightly diseased taste in your mouth.  The scrotal scars will heal in time, as long as you don’t pick at the scabs.  Try porkin’ the pork, the other white meat, or getting closer and more intimate with cows and their testicles, the slower and dumber sitting still meat.

pisces -Feburary. 19th-March. 20th-
-Who the hell cares if the ‘king’ is dead or alive?  The guy sucked ass as it is, regardless of the light you put him in.  His music was shit, he was a tubby bastard, and he died asphyxiating on his own vomit in front of a cheap hotel toilet.  What the hell kind of respect does THAT deserve anyway?  You’d be better off idolizing one of the monkeys at the zoo that throws shit at you for fun and masturbates the rest of the day unabashedly in front of your stupid tourist ass in hopes your latent primate interests will be piqued.

 The horoscope section is written monthly by Michael Glenn.  Known for his accurate dream interpretations and his recent book "Never die in your sleep" Mike can be reached online for private horoscope readings.  

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