aries
-March. 21st-April. 20th-
-The
roaches have named you for termination for crimes against their species. They
are swarming as we speak to poison you and take you down. They have wanted
posters behind the stove of you and in the cupboards. The warning below the
crudely drawn picture reads: Beware The Shoe. Make friends with them somehow.
taurus -April. 21st-May
20th-
-Inspired
by the movie “Taxi Driver” your efforts to clean up the mean streets of
Knickerbocker, Texas will include shooting Billy Ray who overcharges for oil
changes and the president of the women’s auxiliary who snubbed you for a
date once in high school. You go you rebel you, clean them streets.
gemini -May 21st-June 21st-
-
Heterosexual experiences are those conducted with the opposite sex.
Technically you would be classified as Asexual considering how much time you
spend masturbating. Seek the help of a professional. 50 bucks should get the
job done.
cancer -June 22nd-July
22nd-
- The vacuum will
suck stuff up, including valuable penile objects and shoes. It will start
warbling the Scooby Doo theme song and will wear goggles on it’s head. These
are all sure signs you have a poltergeist running amok.
leo -July 23rd-August.
22nd-
- It’s
your birth month! Whoop-dee fucking doo. On more year closer to death and
loneliness in an old age home where you’re molested daily by Bruno the day
nurse, shit your pants constantly, are force fed gruel-like food through a
straw and hooked up to machines that keep your blood circulating and your
lungs working. Happy fucking birthday though!!!
virgo -August.
23rd-September. 22nd-
-The carnival life is calling again. The smell of
the elephant ears frying, the lights on the midway, cheating yokels out of
money. Ahh! The carnival. Remember this, only thing worse than a “carnie”
is a times square mime who can’t even walk against the wind.
libra -September.
23rd-October. 23rd-
-The
banana is biting the other fruit, and small children. Beware the banana. The
banana will also wear your socks, the green ones, and will usurp your brown
Doc Martin’s. The banana will read your mail and assist you in cheating on
your taxes. Do not eat the banana and the plums will remain safe.
scorpio -October.
24th-November. 22nd-
-That
new diet plan you’re on isn’t working, tubby. Try to make it to Mexico
(you’re close enough to the border, anyway) and drink some water. Don’t
worry, the shits will clear up in about a month. After that…Svelte-Ville
here we come!!!
sagittarius -November.
23rd-December. 21st-
-I’m typing this nekkid.
Heheheh. Nekkid horoscopes. I see a nekkid man in your future. Hehehe. He’s
wearing…..nothing hahahahah.
capricorn -December.
22nd-January. 20th-
-They say
they quickest way to a man’s heart is through his mother. Not true. The
quickest way is through the second and third rib on the left side. But you
have to really get a good swing in.
aquarius -January.
21st-Feburary. 18th-
-Your child support checks will stop coming in
this month. Get off your fat ass and get a job, you slacker. Perhaps working
at Pete’s bait and tackle will give you insight into the world of
“Bubba’s” and you can hook yourself a man!
pisces -Feburary.
19th-March. 20th-
-Your
own psychic powers will come to full fruition this month when you predict the
Apocalypse and the end of all life on earth. It will be on a Tuesday if I’m
not mistaken, around three-fifteen in the afternoon. Wear clean underwear so
as to make a good impression when you get to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter hates
shit-stained drawers.
The horoscope section is
written monthly by Michael Glenn. Known for his accurate dream
interpretations and his recent book "Never die in your sleep" Mike
can be reached online for private
horoscope readings.
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