aries
-March. 21st-April. 20th-
-You’ll
have the insatiable urge to beat your supervisor with a dull, rusted spoon
similar to the imaginary sense of power she weilds. Remember, at least
you’re not so pathetic as to live alone with one dog and plenty of Ramen to
feed your fat ass and keep you company.
taurus -April. 21st-May
20th-
-This
month you’ll be overcome by the urge to slap everyone in sight. Be cautious,
however. Bubba from backwater, Arkansas is waiting around the corner. And boy,
you got a perdy mouth
gemini -May 21st-June 21st-
-Thanks
for never reading my fucking horoscopes mom!
cancer -June 22nd-July
22nd-
- You’ll piss
off your offspring this month by attempting to know “exactly what
(they’re) going through.” Save your fucking advice and send them large
amounts of money.
leo -July 23rd-August.
22nd-
-Having
learned the secret rites of passage for your new cult means you are in for
life. Sacrifices of live chickens and goats must be performed daily. If you
try to leave they will castrate you and name you fallen so that wherever you
go the other cultists will know you on sight. Remember the mighty Grand Poobah
is watching you at all times.
virgo -August.
23rd-September. 22nd-
-The Wal-Mart greeter knows you from prison. He
was in B block and was there the day you shanked Razor Hendershot in the
shower room. He never said anything to you about it or told any of the screws.
He’ll hand you a smiley sticker and wink at you.
libra -September.
23rd-October. 23rd-
-You’ll
find yourself living with two women soon who are strictly platonic. In order
to fool the short-minded landlord of the condo you live in you will have to
pretend you’re gay and not interested in woman whatsoever. You will need a
way to pay the rent next month after you get fired from the mortuary. The
landlord wants hard proof of your sexuality. Do what comes naturally.
scorpio -October.
24th-November. 22nd-
-Fred
Durst will show up at your local VFW Wednesday night steak dinner. He’ll be
cold and lonely, his clothes will be ragged and torn and dirty. Feed him and
help him on his feet and maybe he’ll sing “Nookie” for his supper. You
can take that cookie and stick it up your…………
sagittarius -November.
23rd-December. 21st-
-You’ll find this month that
your need for happiness is overwhelming. Just be sure to clean up after
yourself.
capricorn -December.
22nd-January. 20th-
-That
magical plant that’s been growing in the remote area of your backyard will
finally pay off. If you can make it to Acuna, Mexico, find Ivan, the curator
of the donkey show. He’ll give you a good price for it, and maybe let you
play with his ass.
aquarius -January.
21st-Feburary. 18th-
-It’s the age of Aquarius, age of
Aquariuuuuuuus. AQUARIUUUUUS!!! Aqu – oh my fucking dog poo, I hate that
song.
pisces -Feburary.
19th-March. 20th-
-Your
gig as a hand model will come to an end when that hangnail that you have gets
infected and turns gangrenous. The doctor says you can almost live a normal
life after all the fingers on your left hand fall off and the short stubs
you’re left with start to grow hair out of them. Too bad your right hand is
permanently shaped like a fist from beating off four to six times a day.
The horoscope section is
written monthly by Michael Glenn. Known for his accurate dream
interpretations and his recent book "Never die in your sleep" Mike
can be reached online for private
horoscope readings.