aries
-March. 21st-April. 20th-
-You
might need some valium and a drink when you find out what’s under your
trailer today. Don’t touch it though, it might make you sick
taurus -April. 21st-May
20th-
-Your
lifelong desire to be a synchronized swimmer will be realized this week when
you learn how to swim.
gemini -May 21st-June 21st-
-There
are no real side effects to the testing done on you at the college lab. The
money’s good and the doctors are nice. Hope you like having a third nipple
on your cheek and impotency.
cancer -June 22nd-July
22nd-
-Yeah you have crabs again. That itchy feeling in your
nether regions and the bites? They are infesting you. Bathe in gasoline to
kill them for good. Don’t smoke.
leo -July 23rd-August.
22nd-
-It will come on
you will while sleeping. A desire to take the greyhound north to the sea and
drown your sorrows. You will have no money. No shelter. No idea where to go
next, but you will be happy with your rubber doll and your notebook.
virgo -August.
23rd-September. 22nd-
-The car can make it to the coast if you
want. Bring along a companion who knows how to read Phoenician and has a
working knowledge of the clitoris.
libra -September.
23rd-October. 23rd-
-Your
high school sweetheart will show up at your work this week after ten years on
a missing persons list. He will describe an adventure of grand proportions and
unrivaled peril and heroic duties in some alternate world where he was solely
responsible for destroying the evil one. He’ll ask to borrow ten bucks and
some toothpaste and disappear again.
scorpio -October.
24th-November. 22nd-
-Hunt
the night down. Beat it’s steely teeth out. Kill the moonlight and bathe in
the blood of stars. Grip your being and keep it close. Keep it close and
don’t let the dark creep in
sagittarius -November.
23rd-December. 21st-
-Just as you find inner peace and balance
the universewill bring forth your true love. She will be paraded in front of
you day and night just out of reach. Almost attainable but just a fingers
length away. There will come laughter from the heavens. The sky will shed no
rain. Then mercy as you manage to touch her just slightly, on the cheek.For a
second you will know her, all of her. You will need her and have her. But the
universe always hated true love and will allow only that second forever. It
might be enough if you make it last. Fight the universe. Fight it old school
motherfucker.
capricorn -December.
22nd-January. 20th-
-The grape arbor in
the backyard is evil. It eats souls. Tasty wine, but eeevvvil.
aquarius -January.
21st-Feburary. 18th-
-A friend will ask you to go hunting with
some of the guys this week down on the river. If you take the time to notice
you’re the only one in the group who looks like Ned Beatty. Hope you can
squeal like a pig boy.
pisces -Feburary.
19th-March. 20th-
-Having
cursed your name the local sheriff will insist on an oral bribe every time he
pulls you over. Spitting is considered rude in some cultures, and swallowing
in others. Research and find out which one suits your needs.
The horoscope section is
written monthly by Michael Glenn. Known for his accurate dream
interpretations and his recent book "Never die in your sleep" Mike
can be reached online for private
horoscope readings.