aries
-March. 21st-April. 20th-
-Thursday
night…a man will ask you to touch him on his hooha with a grapefruit.
He will pay generously.
Go for it.
taurus -April. 21st-May
20th-
-That
old, creepy gypsy woman said ‘thinner’ to you again today.
It’s not a curse. It
wasn’t about your size. It was
about your hair and how she thinks it is getting thinner and if you give her a
kiss on her southern regions it will stop it from falling out. Try anything once.
gemini -May 21st-June 21st-
-The
They you are always worried about is, as it turns out, a He.
Yes, He, lives in Ann Arbor with his parents, enjoys Thundercats
reruns, long walks in the grocery store, and anything by Meatloaf.
He also has it out for you but you’ll never guess why.
cancer -June 22nd-July
22nd-
-the universe hates you. it always has. even when you were young and harmless. now that
you're older it really doesn't like you and is secretly plotting against you.
What? No there is no place to hide from it, bend over and take it with a smile.
leo -July 23rd-August.
22nd-
-You
can bet on getting into a situation you can’t escape from this week.
When all else fails just let the dog lick it off.
It’s not really sex if it’s in the mouth right?
virgo -August.
23rd-September. 22nd-
-You
have been a bad bad girl this week.
You masturbated on the internet with a former ambassador to Uruguay and
didn’t know it.
He was caught by his wife, who beat him with the keyboard, causing him
to snap, in a few days from the injury to his …ahem…..pride…and call the
President of Uruguay to declare war.
You have started a War that will last a hundred years.
Millions will be killed.
Baaaaadd.
libra -September.
23rd-October. 23rd-
-Get
a tattoo of that guy from the movie “Labyrinth” on your ass and your new
love will be hooked for life.
scorpio -October.
24th-November. 22nd-
-Violent
sex getting old for you?
Try doing it outdoors, like the park or the parking lot at Wal-Mart, or
at the family reunion, or at a little league game.
Variety is the spice of life.
sagittarius -November.
23rd-December. 21st-
-You
will see the ghost of your dead cat Mr. Whiskers prowling the hall looking for
something.
He wants his catnip stash.
Check under the fridge and deliver it to him, he should go away then.
capricorn -December.
22nd-January. 20th-
-Your
cockroach farm is coming along nicely.
The one you call Granddad is a real beaut.
Be extremely careful though.
A revolution is coming amongst the lesser beings.
The first attack will come by night whilst you sleep.
Get them first.
aquarius -January.
21st-Feburary. 18th-
-Green
Peace will show up at your nuclear-waste-dumping-lake this week to give you
what you have coming.
If you don’t watch your back An elite team of eco-assassins will take
you out swiftly and permanently.
Go on vacation till next month and stop fucking up the planet.
pisces -Feburary.
19th-March. 20th-
-You
think no one knows about your secret lust at the funeral home where you work
part time.
The dead know, the dead always know and they don’t like it.
The horoscope section is
written monthly by Michael Glenn. Known for his accurate dream
interpretations and his recent book "Never die in your sleep" Mike
can be reached online for private
horoscope readings.