H o r o s c o p e   
 -p s y c h i c   m u s i n g s   b y   M i c h a e l    G l e n n  a n d   t h e  K u n g  Fu   s t a f f
 

aries -March. 21st-April. 20th-
-After therapy for that whole A-team issue you had in February does not pan out, you may want to explore those emotions with a close relative such as Uncle Bob, who never once called you a degenerate little bastard while you were in lockdown for streaking that Mormon bake sale. He can help you if you let him.


taurus -April. 21st-May 20th- 
-Charge into your day with hope, faith, and a general sense of “upness” and be disappointed when it all turns to shit by 4:30.

gemini -May 21st-June 21st-
-True love will be gunning for you this week. It will steer into your path and smash you flat. Dust off those condoms and say hello to your third cousin in a whole new way.

cancer -June 22nd-July 22nd- 
-Nothing much will happen to you this week. Nothing at all. Sorry

leo -July 23rd-August. 22nd- 
 With the coming revolution only weeks away you should pick this time to upgrade your military hardware and rations in the shelter. Stock up on the ammo, canned fruit and toilet paper as well. Get ready for war!

virgo -August. 23rd-September. 22nd-
-Virgin? Hah! Not with that much fellatio under your belt.

libra -September. 23rd-October. 23rd-
-You are a porn star. Face it. The web cam show is a porno movie. It is no longer a “funny thing to do”. You could be worse off. You could be a senator.

scorpio -October. 24th-November. 22nd-
-How many fake ass people can you put up with in one day? On the way to work, at work, at lunch and even when you go out on the weekend. Those same plastic smiles and sterile eyes follow you. Strap on the TNT and go for broke, wipe out the cabbage patch zombies.

sagittarius -November. 23rd-December. 21st- 
-While going down on your favorite person you will notice a switch implanted in between the genitals and the anus. Just push it quick and stand back. No matter how much this freaks you out say nothing to anyone. Ever.

capricorn -December. 22nd-January. 20th-
-Your not going to get into college after all. Spring break has left you in a Tijuana jail cell with a drunk Mexican drag queen named PeePe^ who wants to show you his/her tattoo collection. Don’t make any plans for Christmas.

aquarius -January. 21st-Feburary. 18th- 
-Your mother-in-law will make her last mistake this week when she comments on your “stupid writing career”. Use a #2 pencil on her for full irony.

pisces -Feburary. 19th-March. 20th-
-After shoplifting your fifth paperback romance novel you will get busted by the mall security. They will ask for a favor in exchange for freedom. Do the deed whatever it may be. Remember there is the body in your trunk you don’t want attention on.

 The horoscope section is written monthly by Michael Glenn.  Known for his accurate dream interpretations and his recent book "Never die in your sleep" Mike can be reached online for private horoscope readings.