H o r o s c o p e   
 -p s y c h i c   m u s i n g s   b y   M i c h a e l    G l e n n  a n d   t h e  K u n g  Fu   s t a f f
 

aries -March. 21st-April. 20th-
-Your obsession with Mrs. Butterworth will take on a disturbing incarnation when your wife of 5 years catches you alone with the shapely bottle of syrupy goodness in the bedroom. Get a good lawyer.


taurus -April. 21st-May 20th- 
-I see a bald man with tattoos of anchors on each forearm and one squinty eye beating the living hell out of you on Friday. Eat a healthy amount of spinach or cabbage and you should be more than a match for his uncanny fighting skills.

gemini -May 21st-June 21st-
-You have done a great job quitting cigarettes. Your lungs are healing nicely, you can taste things again. You have more energy. Now concentrate on quitting the heroin and the 100$-a-day crack habit and you should be in top shape.

cancer -June 22nd-July 22nd- 
-You’ve been a bastard to her and you know it. Karma is gonna rip you a new one and make you wish you’d never picked her up at the Humane Society.

leo -July 23rd-August. 22nd- 
-Porn is fun and very rewarding as a hobby but not when you share it with your fiancée’s parents at the wedding rehearsal.

virgo -August. 23rd-September. 22nd-
-You will be accosted by a group of very young, militant girls outside of your local grocery store soon. They will be trying to pass of some cookies, innocent enough right, on you. You won’t have any money on hand because you are using a debit card. They will not be pleased. You will see them in the lobby at work the next day, again you are cashless, again they will be angered. This will escalate into a battle for your life when you come home and see the door forced to your apartment and a trail of smashed Samoas leading to the kitchen. For god’s sake go to ATM right now. Hurry, they’re coming.

libra -September. 23rd-October. 23rd-
-The nightmares of Tracy Ullman giving you a hand job at Thanksgiving dinner will subside this week, thank god. Only to be replaced by the same dream but with Bette White in the lead role this time.

scorpio -October. 24th-November. 22nd-
-You will see a young black man at your local McDonalds this week who looks like Tupac Shakur. He will be wearing dark glasses, wearing a hat that says FBI and carrying a Sony Discman. You overhear what he’s listening to and your surprised to hear it’s not rap but a southern rock group called Dirty Four by Four. He’ll give you a look and a small grin and then disappear in the parking lot soon after. You’ll never know for sure but what he gives you will be enough.

sagittarius -November. 23rd-December. 21st- 
-No really what the fuck is a Sagittarius? Anybody have a clue?! Is it a type of cat? A pet name for someone’s penis? What the hell is it!!!??? What are you???!!!

capricorn -December. 22nd-January. 20th-
-A man calling himself The Footstool will ask for a favor on Thursday in exchange for something of value. Just do the deed and never look back.

aquarius -January. 21st-Feburary. 18th- 
-Your secret identity is in jeopardy this week. The glasses and the comb over are not fooling her. You’ll have to take care of her. You know how.

pisces -Feburary. 19th-March. 20th-
-This month you will burst forth from the your mother’s womb where you have had it made for months. The light will be too bright, the temperature too cold, and the doctor will not only hold you up by your feet but have the nerve to smack you on the ass. Don’t worry you will get vengeance on the bastard soon enough when you piss on him at your first office visit.

 The horoscope section is written monthly by Michael Glenn.  Known for his accurate dream interpretations and his recent book "Never die in your sleep" Mike can be reached online for private horoscope readings.