H o r o s c o p e   
 -p s y c h i c   m u s i n g s   b y   M i c h a e l    G l e n n  a n d   t h e  K u n g  Fu   s t a f f
 

aries -March. 21st-April. 20th-
You’re memories of childhood will be crushed this week when you realize there was something kinky going on with Mr. T and Murdoch on the A-Team.


taurus -April. 21st-May 20th- 
You wear a Star Trek uniform to work. You read comics and play role-playing games. You live with your parents. You are unfortunately a geek.

gemini -May 21st-June 21st-
Valentines day comes but once a year. Buy your girl some flowers, some candy, maybe a teddy bear and she will be more inclined to let you do her anal.

cancer -June 22nd-July 22nd- 
A man will come to your door this week. He will knock once….twice real fast….then once again. You will know what needs to be done.

leo -July 23rd-August. 22nd- 
Some psycho conspiracy theorist will try to molest you on the elevator this week. He won’t settle for no. Let him touch it just once.

virgo -August. 23rd-September. 22nd-
Fuck Valentines Day. Let’s celebrate Punch-A-Hole-In-Your-Chest-And-Rip-Your-Still-Beating-Heart-Out-While-I-Shit-On-Your-Life Day.

libra -September. 23rd-October. 23rd-
Think about retiring from the amateur porn industry this month. The wrinkles are not just on your face anymore.

scorpio -October. 24th-November. 22nd-
You’re in for a great week. Keep your eyes on Thursday. Can you say threesome?

sagittarius -November. 23rd-December. 21st- 
You will trip so hard this week your being will become one with the stars and the universe itself. The your mom will walk in on you and ruin the whole damn thing. Bitch!

capricorn -December. 22nd-January. 20th-
You’ll lose a hubcap from your car on Tuesday. A filling will fall out on the table while on a date with a pretty girl on Wednesday. On Thursday a Jehovah’ witness strike team will paper the front room of your home with copies of The Watchtower. You’ll know….deep down….Jerry Seinfeld is behind the whole thing. 
 


aquarius -January. 21st-Feburary. 18th- 
You know that creepy, spine chilling feeling you get when you’re alone? That’s them. That’s the dead touching your privates.

pisces -Feburary. 19th-March. 20th-
Remember that hot chick from the other night? The one with the tight ass, the one that went down on you in the parking lot at McDonalds? The one with the huge Adam’s apple? Yeah…remember now?

 The horoscope section is written monthly by Michael Glenn.  Known for his accurate dream interpretations and his recent book "Never die in your sleep" Mike can be reached online for private horoscope readings.