H o r o s c o p e   
 -p s y c h i c   m u s i n g s   b y   M i c h a e l    G l e n n  a n d   t h e  K u n g  Fu   s t a f f
 

aries -March. 21st-April. 20th-
Upon reading this go to yahoo.com. Click on shopping. Find toys and click on that. Immediately push shift f5. Congratulations! You have just sold your soul to Ted Turner.


taurus -April. 21st-May 20th- 
You are what you eat. And you eat a lot of shit from everyone. Get the picture?

gemini -May 21st-June 21st-
Sometimes late at night you can feel a wispy shadow figure hovering over you while you lay in bed. You open your eyes as fast as possible but see nothing there as hard as you try. Someday the shadow will not escape your vision.

cancer -June 22nd-July 22nd- 
I see a large mouse eating the wiring in your garage door opener. There is a loud crash. Screams. Blood everywhere. Park in the driveway for now.

leo -July 23rd-August. 22nd- 
If happiness were a rhesus monkey pounding your back, clawing your head, sporting a huge boner you would be in bliss right now

virgo -August. 23rd-September. 22nd-
The next person to ask you for the time is out to get you. You will know what to do about that.

libra -September. 23rd-October. 23rd-
- Go all out today. Eat what you want max your credit cards, tell your boss what insufferable prick/bitch they are, and don’t worry about shit till tomorrow when payment for today will come due.

scorpio -October. 24th-November. 22nd-
sodomizing Hereford cows does not make you a stud in anyone’s eyes but your own.

sagittarius -November. 23rd-December. 21st- 
there will be a loud pop, a gushing noise, and a moan right before your girlfriend says she is pregnant. Double on the raincoats for good measure.

capricorn -December. 22nd-January. 20th-
a man driving a red pickup will cut you off today in traffic. The bumper has an NRA sticker, and one with the slogan, “Guns don’t kill people, I do”,

aquarius -January. 21st-Feburary. 18th- 
You will arrive home today and find the Neatness Fairies have once again cleaned the beer cans and the dried up pizza from the floor, dusted the electronics, vacuumed and swept the carpet and cleaned the fridge of all potential food poisoning culprits. They have taken your stash as payment.

pisces -Feburary. 19th-March. 20th-
Accusations will fly this week. A case is being put together against you. Your family suspects something is up. Head for the border and don’t look back ever again.

 The horoscope section is written monthly by Michael Glenn.  Known for his accurate dream interpretations and his recent book "Never die in your sleep" Mike can be reached online for private horoscope readings.