H o r o s c o p e   A r c h i v e
 -p s y c h i c   m u s i n g s   b y   M i c h a e l    G l e n n  a n d   t h e  K u n g  Fu   s t a f f
 

aries -March. 21st-April. 20th-
Take your obsession one step further. Show the object of your desire how much they mean to you with a few well placed cryptic messages in their home, on the hood of their car, in the form of one word messages on their answering machine. They’ll come around sooner or later.


taurus -April. 21st-May 20th- 
Your current plans will come to fruition. Take heed of a van full of meddling teenagers and their big stupid dog.

gemini -May 21st-June 21st-
Take a day off to reflect on the finer things in life. Buy one of those roadside Velvet Elvis paintings and just stare for hours into the eyes of The King.

cancer -June 22nd-July 22nd- 
Nobody likes a snitch. So what your neighbor is moving drugs and stolen cars for the Colombian Cartels; hiding bodies in your vegetable garden; taking your Sunday paper. Ever see ‘Scarface’? Think about it.

leo -July 23rd-August. 22nd- 
They know where you live. They know where you work. There is no escape

virgo -August. 23rd-September. 22nd-
Christmas is coming. Buy that special someone an o.z. of Jamaican Gangee Red Bud and bake some cookies for the family dinner at their parents’ house.

libra -September. 23rd-October. 23rd-
A nasty argument on the phone with your significant other will cause you to drive across town and bitch-slap that motherfucker.

scorpio -October. 24th-November. 22nd-
Beware the Fat Man bearing gifts in a red bag. He may seem jolly but there is always a price to be paid.

sagittarius -November. 23rd-December. 21st- 
What the fuck is a Sagittarius anyway?

capricorn -December. 22nd-January. 20th) 
You’re so smooth. Nothing can stop you. Except maybe those dirty photos you posed for in college.

aquarius -January. 21st-Feburary. 18th- 
You will find wisdom from watching reruns of "The Smurfs". I love it when you call me big Poppa Smurf.

pisces -Feburary. 19th-March. 20th-
Lock and load baby! Time to take back Hockey from those damn Canadians.