H o r o s c o p e   A r c h i v e
 -p s y c h i c   m u s i n g s   b y   M i c h a e l    G l e n n  a n d   t h e  K u n g  Fu   s t a f f
 

aries -March. 21st-April. 20th-
You can lead a horse to water, but you still don’t know how to make him fuck you. Buy an extra large dildo and have your boyfriend make galloping noises on the wall. It’s the best you can hope for.


taurus -April. 21st-May 20th- 
Tomorrow at work, you will hear the phrase "crazy dog sex" 700 times. Coincidence? Hallucination? Or something more sinister…

gemini -May 21st-June 21st-
They questioned you for six hours straight, no phone call, no lawyer. Your alibi is sticking, keep quiet, they got nothing on you.

cancer -June 22nd-July 22nd- 
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. This old adage has been misrepresented to be a positive thing, something you think about when you blow the dust off your old Billy Joel LPs and your best of Leonard Cohen . Sadly it’s more likely a sign that while you might survive whatever horror waits outside your door, you will never be the same again.

leo -July 23rd-August. 22nd- 
Too many mornings of waking in a cold sweat suggest you should call in, maybe try to clear your head a bit. If your dreams are of Niagara Falls then love is in the air. If a dead relative has been visiting you in your sleep, remember not to trust everything the dead tell you.

virgo -August. 23rd-September. 22nd-
 Your dabblings in Hinduism have earned you the Eastern Religions Chair in hell. Go to church with your mom and forget what you’ve learned. Only Jesus can save you now.

libra -September. 23rd-October. 23rd-
The lawyer refused to take your case. Your tried the legal route. Time to buy a small pistol and take matters into your own hands. Don’t let your conscience bother you. It’s for her own good anyway.

scorpio -October. 24th-November. 22nd-
The next time you meet someone special and you then research any and everything you can learn about them online, don’t tell them about it. They will think-rightly so, mind you, that you are a stalker.

sagittarius -November. 23rd-December. 21st- 
If you sleep for 13 hours, it’s possible not to ever see the sun this time of year. Take advantage of this and buy new pillows. You’ll want them around hour ten. Only the dead have more fun.

capricorn -December. 22nd-January. 20th) 
The little girl lies before you; your hands are caked with her blood. Was she your anima? A symbol of innocence? The Great Mother in her maiden aspect? Only in the afterlife will you know for sure.

aquarius -January. 21st-Feburary. 18th- 
Pity the fool who disrespects your favorite Bette Midler movie.

pisces -Feburary. 19th-March. 20th-
Rent something different tonight. Don’t go for mass marketed romance or subtitled french classics. Try to get something like The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. Strangely enough you might find it inspiring.

The horoscope section is written monthly by Michael Glenn. Known for his accurate dream interpretations and his recent book "Never die in your sleep" Mike can be reached online for reached horoscope readings.