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aries
-March. 21st-April. 20th-
Your ass looks too big in those pants.
taurus
-April. 21st-May 20th-
The man behind the counter says you’ll have
to wait fifteen days, while they do a background check.
gemini
-May 21st-June 21st-
Betrayal always comes in friendship, but you
never thought you’d take joy in tearing someone apart.
cancer
-June 22nd-July 22nd-
Your sense of money and desire do not mix,
but you’re broke anyway.
leo
-July 23rd-August. 22nd-
The parking lot where you first began your
odyssey of bad sex is being demolished for a condominium. The city
is suffocating you, the sex is still bad.
virgo
-August.
23rd-September. 22nd-
The skies have been darkening for you lately
and the moon is rising on misery, but tomorrow looks sunny and nice; just
don’t forget your umbrella.
libra
-September. 23rd-October. 23rd-
Today everyone said you looked good, they
were lying.
scorpio
-October. 24th-November. 22nd-
You remember him muttering something about
Istanbul and you never understood what it meant till now…
sagittarius
-November. 23rd-December. 21st-
You steal Dean R Koontz novels from the grocery
store, hide them under your bed. Your bad luck intermingles with
your horrible choice of writers and lovers. Clouds linger, deep inside
you ache, but you still have an unnatural fear of Peter Straub.
capricorn
-December. 22nd-January. 20th)
You will never fall in love online, but your
keyboard is already sticky.
aquarius
-January. 21st-Feburary. 18th-
It was a bad date, you knew something was
wrong when you saw their immense Depche Mode bootleg collection.
pisces
-Feburary. 19th-March. 20th-
The milk is sour. You don’t even drink milk…whose
milk is it anyway?
The horoscope section is
written monthly by Michael Glenn. Known for his accurate dream
interpretations and his recent book "Never die in your sleep" Mike
can be reached online for private
horoscope readings.
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