poetry

Humor 1

Thanks to Chad the Bartender for always sending me the best jokes

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
saying "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T." She looked at
him puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by
answering "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she
smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F"
another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression,"S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, T-hank G-oodness I-t's F-riday; get it?"
The man answered, "S-orry H-oney, I-t's T-hursday."

2.

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to
the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to
take care of the bill. The three men started talking and
bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder,
and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home
for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now
he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that
he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My
son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave
his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes
of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We
are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances
in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he
continued. "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing
job, but he must be doing good. His last three
boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a
stock portfolio."

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a
sudden
he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord
said,"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
youone wish"

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I
wantto."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom
of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify
your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have
been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am
uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want
to know how they feel inside, what they
are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what
they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly
happy"

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that
bridge?"

A guy met a girl at a ight club, and she invited him back
to her place for the night.
When they arrived at her house, they went right into her
bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed
animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place.
Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large
stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill,
and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.
Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked,
"So...how was I?"
"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf."

A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls
Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and
the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee
drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have
had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we
are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and we found
that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to
borrow $5,000?" The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park
my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

Score one for the blondes...

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while
stationed in Saudi a few months ago. So she sends him this
care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife
back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made
cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites
a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around
having a great time eating the cookies and watching some
episodes of South Park. Right in the middle of one episode
the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking
his bestfriend's privates. After a few seconds, he does his
business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right
into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the
camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

Drinking Rednecks
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road,
drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead
Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these
here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin'
these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw
the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers,
threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their
foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been
drinking?"
"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

Al Gore-isms
Remember all the flack that Dan Quayle got over some of the things he said
while he was Vice President? (potato vs potatoe, for example) It appears that the current Vice
President also has a talent for providing us with much fun and entertainment (although I don't
remember the media making much of a fuss when Al Gore misspoke).

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
--Vice President Al Gore

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history, I mean in this
century's history. But we
all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was
that I didn't study Latin
harder in school so I could converse with those people."
--Vice President Al Gore

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are
doing it."
--Vice President Al Gore

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
--Vice President Al Gore

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the
mistakes we may or may not
have made."
--Vice President Al Gore

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could
change."
--Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and
that one word is 'to be
prepared.'"
--Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
--Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the
future."
--Vice President Al Gore

"The future will be better tomorrow."
--Vice President Al Gore

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996

"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance
from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe,
and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very
wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have
tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Al Gore (Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to
mind?)

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my
answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to
blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Al Gore

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore
may or may not make."
-- Vice President Al Gore