dir/new_school/rant: F l a s h b a c k . . .

 I know, this letter might be slightly distracting, or just clearly unwanted.  Occasionally though I find myself here at the keyboard trying to right wrongs.  I try to piece the last four years of my life together since he died.  I didn't know when he died that I would become the person I am.  I didn't know my heart and soul would pull and gnarl and mishapen as they did.  I didn't know I would fear life.  

 I don't know if I led a lie or if I just went about doing things, trying to ignore the fact that everything I had hoped for since I was in high school was now invalid.  But you wake up, you keep moving.  You walk like a zombie, and you hear yourself reply and act like you are present, not on replay, not being fed lines from that disembodied voice, that voice, behind the curtain, which sounds familiar, but you know you can’t place who it is.

 That was the feeling that came over me.   I guess that's a bad path to be in front of.  That was a totally bad period for me.  Even now, so much of life is strange to me.  I have always read about life and death and the impact.  But I didn't realize it till it happened to me.  Everything was so much more vivid.  

And if you’re not careful when that flash of realization occurs, you will stumble half awake through life and they will eventually shovel dirt over your face.  Mistake you for the dead,.  Bury you like they bury the rest, for the deep sleep.   

I'm writing to you cause in all honesty I write letters to you all the time.  I try not to bother you or invade your personal space.  But their are so many times I find myself here wanting to chat with you.  Wanting to hear the softness of your voice.  I say all of this in the friendship theme.  The stuff over the summer was just bad.  You and I went through so much healing when I knew you as a friend.    In a nutshell I did some pretty stupid stuff, which pushed you away in a all or nothing gamble.

 I think sometimes, that we lay in wait, for somebody to come along.  Someone who you can love and trust, someone who can replenish all of your wasted spirit and refill your heart.  I realize now that no one can fill the gap that sits inside of you when death takes its piece.   
 It sucks that it took me four years and a handful of relationships to come to that.  It sucks that I have trodden over other peoples lives, disrupting them while I looking for the solutions to my life.  I never intended for that to happen.  I never meant to hurt anyone else.

 So I write to you, hoping you'll understand.  Their was a lot of genuine Paul in what you saw of me, the rest though was just desperation, gaps I wanted to fill with what was lacking of my personality. Gaps which I  filled with anger and selfishness.  

 And I don't think I can place everything on my grievance of Gerard's death.  I've always been a love sick fool and prone to do some stupid things.  Is it possible to fall so in love that you forget the reason why you love and care for the person and can only think about love itself…the obsession…

I’m awake now…