dir/old_school/rant: C a l m

A very cool individual and the webmistress of Lexxicon -a very interesting personal web site, made commentary that really made me think about my sometime fear and trepidation to the things I put on the site.  I asked Linda if she’d let me show her uncut email here, cause I frankly thought she made a good point and that she wrote some good KungFu. 

 On another note, I recently got into a tiss with a member of a bbs which a friend of mine runs.  This BBS which is web driven is cool, it’s a nice way to see the thoughts of other, share information, web sites and pics, I like it a lot actually, in comment and execution.  I posted a email where I asked a question, this question solicited a few responses.  One of the responses from another member kinda struck me badly, I spent a bit deciding how much of it I was taking personally, how much I was just being sensitive and if I could really reply to the rest of his email without tossing in barbs at him. 
 I did indeed write a long reply, I came to the computer, clearly feeling passionate about the whole ordeal, but their were things he said that not only did I find personally offensive and too off hand and just damn flippant, for a stranger I didn’t know. I just thought he was damn wrong about the whole ordeal and that’s what the whole board is for…

 I went home and still felt bothered by the whole ordeal, I didn’t know this guy, I wouldn’t have written an email or a general reply in that fashion.  I just didn’t think it was right, to me he had made commentary that made me feel slighted and patronized. So I sent him a personal email.  Basically telling him how I felt when I read his email and what I thought of that little slice of writing he penned.  Whether it was indirectly slighting to me, cause I made the original comment and felt a connection or because I found his wording in reply to be personally directed at me and not neutral enough for me to just think I was sensitive.  That was my interpretation.   So I sent him a email, later he replied, not privately to me, but back on the board which seriously pissed me off, because again I felt slighted and as if I was being haughtily scolded like a child.  I was also bothered by the fact that he contradicted himself in his email.  It all left me with a sour taste in my mouth, so I gleefully went about cutting him a new asshole online. 
 Then I felt better, but I knew that their would probably be hell to pay, as I did the equivalent of dragging some uppidity snot nosed bastard-in my opinion, out into the time square for a sever tongue lashing. 

 I of course was admonished by my Mentor-anyone else have a mentor in life? I was grilled on why exactly I was bothered by something the afore mentioned moron had said to me. And I kinda shuffled my feet, evenly split between the fact that I was bothered by what he said and that I was also genuinely offended and perturbed by what I felt were clearly personal attacks. Which were meant to be applied in clever haughty overtones, as if I would have missed the subtle sledgehammer style he used. But it’s the same as when people say something offensive, whispering in your ear and then you lose your cool.  Nothing much I could do, I should have ignored him, my usual policy online or with newsgroups is to ignore people like that or just talk to them until I either drive them nuts or sadden them because I won’t play their little bullshit game with them. 

KungFu is heartless without discipline.  I have recently been told to loosen my reign of control in my life and understand the power that comes from ignoring bullshit and stupid people.  In effect, having a mind like water, finding the calm that will make my weary warrior spirit a philosopher, a master.  And for anyone who has been tight with the reigns of control in their life, I can’t honestly endorse this theory, but I’ll say this, fighting this battle is a bitch…and sitting at tables, debating the future of life and the world, is also weary duty.  I’d much rather lay down my arms and my scrolls, find a family, maybe just do a little farming of the land. 

 My goal in what is left of two thousand is to find calm and find discipline.  This does not mean I will not get angry or that I won’t ever nut up on people, or even be smart enough to avoid baiting or other junior league head games, cause folks pride is a bitch.  But  I have to acknowledge that if I am to grow and learn I have to realize that regardless of my keen fighting sense,  that some situations seen in my combative eyes as potential danger, might actually just be harmless shadows, dancing in the darkness.  It’s a hard thing to lay down my arms and cull my preemptive combative sense, but I don’t want to live life as a warrior forever and I don’t want to think that I might sometimes be striking at shadows, just to be sure I get rid of every potential threat, real or imagined. . 

Hey paul -- i have some time to kill while waiting for the geeks at the
office to get the server back in shape so i can work, thought i'd throw a
few more thoughts your way on a couple of topics --

re: "disclaimer"

my question to you about your site wasn't really about the word itself; when we talked by phone the other night you said you realized the word used the wa yyou did at your site was inaccurate, since you don't really wish to dis-claim anything. i get that, but the thing is.. the thing i don't get is why anyone should apologize for what they create. it's not that i don't "understand" the ostensible reasons. you explained that your friends have been known to get offended (don't know if that was your exact word, don't have that msg handy to pull up at the moment, correct me if wrong...!) by things you write when it cuts a little too close to the bone... and that you genuinely do not want to hurt your friends in any way, and for that reason you apologize for any offense they may take at what you write. i don't get the purpose, i guess... anyone who was truly "offended" logically would not be placated by a mere apology, since the "offensive" material still exists publicly even with the apology; someone truly offended, truly hurt i should  think would be satisfied with nothing less than a removal of the material in question and/or public retraction concerning whatever material they maintained was invasive of their own privacy (which i think you also indicated was a concern for some people you know). do you see what i'm saying? it seems to me that a measure of hurt or offense this easily assuaged can't possibly have been too serious in the first place and might well have been little more than a posture or kneejerk reaction based on the kind of resentments we briefly discussed by phone -- how few people
appreciate having such a thing as, oh, REALITY pointed out to them, especially when it is presented with the expectation that anyone lacking the intestinal fortitude to withstand it undiluted should perhaps dig a little deeper within themselves and be honest about whether they're really interested in the truth at all. i have discovered, and something tells me you have too, that an awful lot of people claim honesty, claim an interest in what's "real" or "true" but unspoken on their part is a petulent insistence that whatever "truth" they encounter must necessarily be properly packaged and presented so as to minimize the chances of feathers being ruffled, as it were. this is the bland, sanitized, dumbed-down version of "truth" most americans eat a steady diet of via the various elements of pop culture and so-called "news" sources... anyone who deviates from the sure safety of PC-land, anyone who challenges rampant hypocrisy is taking a risk, that's for sure. but risking what, when you get down to it? i guess that was my real question for you, or what i was really wondering about your site and the apology you made for it. if you alienate people who are offended by unfiltered truth, is that really such a loss? i mean.... people like that - those who walk around with blinders on, skimming along the surface of existence - are those the ones whose loyalty or companionship etc have value for you? again, this is the part i don't get, and the part that seemed incongruous to me after going through your site and then encountering the apology.

i guess i am weird about the whole concept of "apologies" or something. take this john rocker debacle. the guy mouths off, generally shows his ass, but then issues some lame "apology" and voila, lots of people who were saying he was an idiot now say "well, he apologized, let's get on with life." ok - i'm all for getting on with life.... but for me, it's like.... you get on with life ANYWAY. you recognize the guy as an idiot, and *because* he's an idiot you ought to know full well any "apology" issued is going to be meaningless and nothing more than self-serving PR, so what's the point? you simply go on about your business and whether he "apologizes" or not is really irrelevant. i don't understand how anyone can have really been so mortally "offended" by his words if all it takes to undo them are more words. i mean how ridiculous -- the apology consists of a claim that we shouldn't take his words at face value, that they are not always what they seem... yeah? kinda like the apology?! it's just so mindbogglingly illogical to me.

(note: this doesn't mean i don't recognize the relative value of this sort of thing taking place on a much,much larger scale in a symbolic way such as the pope "apologizing" for the role of the catholic church during the naziera or the american gov't "apologizing" for genocide of native americans or enslaving africans (not that i've seen a sufficient "apology" in either of those cases)... but all that really is a different, albeit related subject.)

i'm really rambling huh. well -- i don't know. i guess i'm saying i don't see the point of an "apology" --- in particular when the thing being apologized for still exists. it seems to render the whole thing an empty
gesture somehow. and i wondered whether you were at all concerned about sort of the flipside of the coin ... you apologize because you don't want to hurt or offend people and (i must assume) thereby alienate them; but what about people who read your stuff and are totally astounded and blown away and favorably impressed by precisely the thing you're apologizing for ... except then they see the apology for the whole thing and suddenly their respect for courageous art is deflated? i should think an artist would be interested in reaching those who appreciate the art as-is (read: without apology) at LEAST as much as those who are interested only insofar as he's willing to hand-hold while creating. i say this as someone who in fact was somewhat discouraged to see that apology. i understand not wanting to hurt friends, tb what kind of friend demands that you swallow your truth because of THEIR fear of reality?

ok, i'm getting a little carried away. [insert apology here. heh] it's funny - you said in that 'why i apologize at my site' msg that you didn't know whether i, too, would think whatever else you might say would be tooharsh, like some of those objecting to your site.... when in fact i'm thinking maybe i should've toned it down a little myself........! ah well. i'll just say nah, generally speaking i like my reality straight up, hold the delusions, hold the fluff. i would by far prefer that at least for the purposes of any communicaiton you have with me, you speak your mind without fear or apology.
 
speaking of fear (heh), i'll save some stuff i wanted to say/ask about dr. laura until another time. they must surely have that server back up and running by now so i need to get back to work. oh - sean told me about the thing of you guys having met a long time ago, which i think is just too freaky but kinda neat too. yow! ok, i'm going now - hope to talk again soon. enjoy your day (it's fabulous outside isn't it)...

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