dir/new_school/rant: A c c e p t a n c e . . .

I understand Citizen Kane.  I understand the liberally slanted media and their control of black and white, I understand conservatives and their control of the radio waves. I do not understand, the Poetry crowd, I never have.  I don’t understand how as poets and artists we get so cliquish and arrogant over shit.  I don’t understand the fucked up relationships, I don’t understand the fucked up sex.  I’m not sure a lot of times if we are the real thing or all just striving to come off like the genuine article.  Who cares? Write if you want to write, publish if you want to publish.  What some people don’t understand in this game is that there is a cost to all your actions, everything comes with weight.  And the only control you have is in your voice and sometimes, that is challenged.  I understand expression, I understand pride, I understand anger, this petty bullshit that people go through confuses me.   Is any of this about control or just our desire to act as chilidish as we want and finding justification through rationalization?  I don’t know.  If I want to act immature I will and I do.  If I want to act maliciously or evilly I do.  I even feel bad about it, but there is no justification, I just realize I’m being a dick, we all do it sometimes, no justification, I just admit to being aware of my childish impulses and deciding to act on them.  I’ve been between a rock and a hard place as is with nature, loyalties have shifted, my friends are my enemies are my friends again.  My loyalty is always questioned and demanded from people always in conflict with people from all my other relationships.  No one likes each other, no one respects each other, everyone just bitches at me about not understanding why I deal with someone else and someone else wonders why I deal with everyone else.   Few people question why I talk to them why I deal with their bullshit, just why I would even waste time dealing with anyone else.  Like I’m perfect, like you’re perfect.  Obviously if I hang out with someone it’s cause I like them or because we’re close, sometimes it is just because they have tenure and have got it like that.  Does it matter, your opinion or your thoughts on my other relationships are welcome, but the regular wholesale dismissal or slamming of my relationships or anyone elses for that matter are not really enjoyed.   I find it’s hard whenever I’m tolerant of something to have to deal with people who are not tolerant of the same thing.  As I’ve mentioned before I pay my monthly dues to HAA (Hypocrisy Association of America) so everyone can file their notice of contradiction if they want, i'll pay the fine.  In this tit for tat world of accusations and counter accusations I’ll take my hits and try to learn from anything you bring to my attention, whether I decide to change my behavior or not is another matter.  I am tired of bringing up points to people and being countered with things I do.  I’ll get down with you for hours if you want to have a rap session about the things I do and I might even ask to point out things you do, but the tit for tat is most annoying.  Resolution through conflict comes when two people are ready to make a difference, make note of everything you want, but work the problems with me, it can’t be about resentment and being pissed off.  And in the end you'll probably just have to accept some things as they are.